Quest for a Lifetime

Tidbits

2010-04-12T14:45:00.003-04:00

Goodness, where has the time gone? What happened to my long-held theory that I would have more time for blogging upon returning to work? Gadzooks!

Life has been treating me fairly well. Sweetpea is growing up quickly -- she is almost 8 months old already! We are so fortunate to have her in our lives. She's enjoyed just about every food she has tried so far. Apricots seem to be the lone exception, as she broke out in hives the day she tried them. She looks to be thinking about crawling soon (yikes!). She figured out how to clap her hands yesterday. She shrieks with laughter when I hold her and run after the dogs. Pretty soon she'll do that herself!

February and March had me battling with the fallacy that is the phrase "work/life balance". A tight deadline on a project had me taking work home for several weeks, and trying to get things done during the day or late at night. This is very difficult when your little one is not much for taking naps... coupled with an upper respiratory infection and (just to make it interesting) multiple snowstorms. I made the deadline but there was some big time stress along the way. I think I shielded SP from it, though.

Last week I sat for part 1 of another professional certification. Work remains inconsistent, so I have enough downtime to do this. I passed and have two more parts to go. This is for a CIA certification, which is not nearly as interesting as it sounds! It's related to internal audit, not cool spy stuff. *sigh*

Our adoption finalization date should be scheduled for sometime next month. It'll be nice to have that behind us, plus it's a great excuse to open one of the bottles of wine that we have aging on the wine rack.

I think that's it for now! It's good to dip my toes back in the blogosphere. I've been trying to catch up with what's happening with everyone. I hope that Spring is treating you well.

Hello Vancouver? You Can Pick Up Your Snow Now

2010-02-12T15:25:00.003-05:00

We've had close to 40 inches of snow since last Saturday. It's nice to look at but enough is enough. It's been a challenge for our poor little dogs... we dug out some grass in the back of our house.

Of course, poor Sweetpea came down with a fever on Wednesday during the worst of the blizzard. Thankfully, it wasn't high enough to warrant a trip to the doctor. Today she seems to be recovering from her cold. It's nice to see smiles and hear giggles again.

The visit to her birthmom, sister and birthgrandma went really well. We went out for lunch together. She shares the same laugh as her sister. There was no hesitation on her birthmom's part when it came to holding her, something she didn't want to do in the hospital. We'll continue to keep in touch by email until the next visit.

She'll be 6 months old soon -- tomorrow actually! The last post-placement visit has been scheduled, and after that we should hear about finalization. I can hardly believe the time is almost here! We are so so fortunate.

A few great children's books... and other things

2010-01-27T14:02:00.005-05:00

Thanks so much for your supportive words! It was one of those times where I kept coming up with things I should have said days after it happened... here's hoping I'll be better prepared should I run into a nasty byotch like that again!

I'm working on the new blog at wordpress and hope to have it up shortly. My plan is to keep most of the posts open and password protect a few of them, such as those with pictures. I took a great video last night of Sweetpea giggling.

We're on the verge of trying solid food. I think the plan is to start a week from today. She's almost 6 months old (wow!) and is getting better at sitting up on her own. Her bottom two front teeth have started to come through. She's also showing more interest in our food. We spurgled and bought a Bea*ba... and I also downloaded a huge ebook from wholesomebabyfoods. Thanks to those who pointed me in their direction. The recipes look great.

We're planning to see her birthmother and family this weekend. We had to postpone since they were sick last weekend.

DH and I both have a great love of books, and hope that Sweetpea will feel the same way. We read to her everyday and she seems to love it. Lately she reaches out to grab some of the books and already has clear favourites, particularly the rhyming books written by a certain Doctor or those starring an intrepid little piglet named Olivia. I'll like to share some of her other picks with you:

Belly Button Book -- This one is her favourite of the Boynton books we've read so far. The rhymes are great and the hippos are fun characters. Plus it's fun to say "Beebo".

Good Night Moon -- A simple classic. We read this to her before bed every night. The soothing rhythm used to lull her to sleep before the book was over. Now she's interested in seeing the pictures, and it continues to do a great job of winding her down at the end of the day.

That's Not My Dragon -- There is a series of these books, and each page has a new texture for babies to touch. Great colours and thick pages. She likes turning the pages herself, usually closing the book each time.

Colors Everywhere -- One of four seasonal books by the author of "Guess How Much I Love You". The pages are easy for small hands to grasp. I enjoyed how the colours were woven into the story.

Hug Time -- I just picked this one up today so no official baby approval yet... but it's one of the sweetest books I've seen. A beautiful message (written in rhyme) and I love the illustrations. You may recognize the author/illustrator as the maker of the "Mutts" comic strip.

It Still Stings

2010-01-25T16:21:00.004-05:00

There are times when I can't understand how people can be so cruel, particularly other women.

On Friday I was sitting in the cafe of our local Weg*mans. I had just met up with another woman who had adopted a baby via the same adoption agency. We're planning to stay in touch, and she told me about an adoptive moms support group in our area which she has been enjoying. She left to take her son to a swimming lesson, while I fed Sweetpea a bottle prior to our shopping trip in the store. It was all good.

Then a woman with a child in her cart walked by and sniped, "You know that breastfeeding is best for your baby."

I was stunned... amazed that someone would say something so personal. I muttered something about, "I know but I couldn't" but she didn't wait for my response and kept walking. I felt about three inches tall.

Truly, she had no idea how much that hurt. Not being able to breastfeed was the thing I struggled with the most after our adoption. I researched induced lactation protocols and tried a nursing supplementer but it didn't work out. I thought I had gotten past it but that woman brought those feelings bubbling to the surface again.

I wish that people wouldn't be so quick to jump to conclusions. Breastfeeding is great if you can do it. I don't feel that it's my right to question whether a woman choses to breastfeed or not, and in many cases there is no choice involved. You don't know what road they've walked along.

Good news for those considering adopting from Korea

2010-01-18T15:44:00.002-05:00

I just read my monthly newsletter from Pea.rl S. Buck Int'l and they noted that they will accept 17 applications to their Korea program this year. Here is the information, and the relatively short wait is great! I would guess that other agencies working in Korea will also have a few openings.

Welcome House Continues to Receive Referrals of Children from Korea

Welcome House is very pleased to announce that we will accept new face sheets of application from 17 more families for the Korea program this year. There is no wait list for the Korea program.

Korea still intends to close to international adoption in 2012, and families who submit a face sheet of application must at least be open to some correctable conditions or difficult birth family circumstances, but new families who start the application process immediately, will probably be matched with a child sometime this year!

If 2010 is similar to 2009, we can anticipate that about 30% of the referrals we receive will be waiting children, but 70% will be healthy child referrals. Most of the children in the Korea program are around five months of age at the time they are referred to their adoptive parents and between eight and twelve months old at the time of placement. The children are cared for in loving foster homes, and tend to make a good emotional adjustment because of the excellent care they receive during the first year of life.

Vigilance... and why Sweetpea won't be getting costume jewelry if I can help it

2010-01-12T09:30:00.011-05:00

Over the past two days, I've been reading up on startling reports from the AP and other sources regarding the use of cadmium in children's jewelry - here are a couple of links (article1, article2). Startling is not a strong enough word for it. It seems that now that there has been a crackdown on lead, manufacturers in China are turning to alternatives and cadmium is a cheap, unregulated option. It also just happens to be highly toxic.

Here are a couple of key points from what I've read [note: thankfully Walmart has since pulled the jewelry noted in the AP article]:

- Some of the most troubling test results were for bracelet charms sold at Walmart, at the jewelry chain Claire's and at a dollar store. High amounts of cadmium also were detected in "The Princess and The Frog" movie-themed pendants.

- Three flip flop bracelet charms sold at Walmart contained between 84 and 86 percent cadmium. The charms fared the worst of any item on the stomach acid test; one shed more cadmium in 24 hours than what WHO guidelines deem a safe exposure over 60 weeks for a 33-pound child.

- On the CDC's priority list of 275 most hazardous substances in the environment, cadmium ranks No. 7.

Given the sheer number of products made in China, it's difficult to avoid them. I'm becoming particularly concerned about product safety since Sweetpea is reaching the age where she puts everything in her mouth.

Here are a few places to go where you can find information on the safety of kid's products:

Kids in Danger ("KID") -- a nonprofit organization dedicated to protecting children by improving children's product safety. They have newsletters and you can sign up for email alerts. The site reports detailed information about recalls.

Juvenile Products Manufacturers Association ("JPMA") Certification Program -- The "Directory of Certified Products" contains the names of manufacturers with products currently in the Certification Program.

Consumer Products Safety Commission ("CPSC") -- List of recalled products and ways to report unsafe products. You can sign up for their subscriber list here.

Window Coverings Safety Council -- Information about recalled blinds, safety repair kits, etc. Here are their tips for retrofitting older window treatments. Free retro kits can be ordered here.

ZRECS Guide to Safer Children's Products -- The ZRecs Guide collects information about potentially harmful chemicals in a wide range of baby products based on company reporting.

Soft Landing -- A guide to avoiding environmental toxins. This includes eating gear reviews based on personal experience, updates on current toxic plastic research and quick reference shopping guides.

Additional Blogs -- Baby Bargains Book Blog Kids in Danger

Happy New Year (+ 6 days)

2010-01-06T14:10:00.002-05:00

Happy New Year everyone! I look back and am amazed by how quickly the time between Christmas and New Year’s passed by. We made it through with relatively little family drama. D’s brother and his family stayed with us, and they adored Sweetpea. She, in turn, was particularly intrigued by her cousins. They were quite gentle with her, given that they’re 7 and 3 year old boys!

She has begun to expand her repertoire of sounds, like the squeal when she finds something particularly amusing. She also pushes up more on her legs. She’s not flipping over yet but can maneuver to either side.

The time for starting solid foods is drawing near. I’d like to try my hand at making some baby food. Will a regular food processor do, or is there an advantage to using one designed to make baby food? Any particular brand of bowls/utensils that people recommend? How about some cookbooks? Do you need to start with rice cereal or can you go right to the veggies? Lay it on me please :)

Work has been leaving me feeling unsatisfied, and I plan to start pursuing my own endeavor starting tomorrow. If that doesn’t pan out, I think it’s time for me to look elsewhere. I’ve been with this company for almost six years and have seen things go downhill even before the economy went sour.

We managed to see the non-Imax version of Ava*tar and it was incredible. If we can find a babysitter, I’d love to see the Imax version. I’m so glad that they now recycle the 3D glasses after the movie.

I will move this blog to Wordpress in the coming days. There are things I need to vent about but I’d rather keep password protected. Like how I came SO close to asking my FIL to leave our house last week when he was acting like a petulant child. Hovering over my nephew while he’s eating breakfast and telling him to chew faster doesn’t get you on many grandpa of the year lists (*grumble* but I must wait to write more on this… it’s still bothering me). On a happier note, it’ll also give me a chance to post some pictures of Sweetpea.

Have I Become a Holiday Blogger?

2009-12-22T11:11:00.008-05:00

Yikes! Really, it's shameful that my last post was before Thanksgiving. I haven't had much of a writing bug lately, even though plenty of things are going on. Take my hand and let me lead you along my path of random thoughts:

- Sweetpea is 4 months old! Wow. It has been an amazing experience, better than I could have imagined. I feel incredibly fortunate.

- Daycare for 3 days a week is not so bad. The first week was tough (the first day was frickin awful) but it gets better. She really loves being around other kids. The chance for socialization is a big plus.

- On the downside, she brought home her first cold a few weeks ago. We've been trading it back and forth between the three of us. There were some rough spots where she was miserable (congested, tough time sleeping) but she's remained a happy kid for the most part.

- Her newest thing is grabbing for her feet.

- At her four month visit, she hit the high percentiles again. She's big but she's proportional at least! She also provides lots of arm strength exercises for Mommy. Not many rolls or chubbiness, other than the cheeks and thighs. She's long and because of that has been in 6 month sizes for a few weeks. I'm resigning myself to the fact that there are clothes she won't have a chance to wear.

- We're planning on visiting her birthmom and her family in January. We've stayed in touch over email, and she can see pictures of Sweetpea online. I'm looking forward to seeing them.

- Our last homestudy visit should be in late January and finalization will be in February.

- Work is ok. I haven't had a big project since my return, only sporadic tasks. I hope things will pick up after the new year. I'm also looking into starting something on my own. That will wait until the new year too. Our office is closed between Christmas and New Year's. Yay!

- We had almost two feet of snow this weekend! I am so excited to have a white Christmas. It's been a while.

- We have family coming in from California to stay with us. They were supposed to arrive yesterday but the stupid airlines overbooked the flight, plus they had to deal with the weekend cancellations. They won't be able to fly out until Wednesday. I hope that it goes smoothly, or as smoothly as possible!

- I'm excited and so grateful to spend our first Christmas with Sweetpea. I'm anxious about family drama with the in-laws. I really can't say much more without password protecting the post! Depending on how things go this week, I might need to move my blog just to get things off my chest. The word "powderkeg" comes to mind.

- Next year I hope to convince my family to stop sending us gifts and give to charity instead, and to let us do the same on their behalf. I hope people don't spoil Sweetpea. I'm already thinking about needing to talk to some people (in-laws again) about setting limits. Might as well do it now while Sweetpea doesn't understand "presents".

- Speaking of charity, I came across this site after reading an article about it: Modest Needs. I was able to support someone getting back on their feet after job loss. What a wonderful concept this is!

- I was disappointed with how Sur*vivor ended. Sure, Russell was a jerk but he deserved to win in my opinion. Amazing how the next season will be the 20th! I like the concept they're going with (villians and heroes). DH and I have a soft spot for the show, as it's one of the first things we watched together while dating.

- A few weeks ago, I came down with a bout of food poisoning. I couldn't eat much for a couple of days and lost about 5 pounds. I haven't gained it back, which is nice. The downside is some of my work pants are dangerously close to sliding off. I really need to get a new belt... it's not worth the risk of mooning my co-workers!

- I'm looking forward to seeing Ava*tar. We haven't been to the movies in a while but plan to go next week.

I hope that everyone is enjoying the holiday season, and that 2010 brings good things for you and your families. My wish came true this year, so I'm happy to pass it along to someone else.

"Hope is like a bird that senses the dawn and carefully starts to sing while it is still dark."
-Anonymous

Gratitude

2009-11-25T13:51:00.001-05:00

As we prepared to depart the hospital when Sweetpea was three days old, we gave her birthmother a small gift and a card. I don’t think I kept a copy of what was written in the card, but there is one line I remember clearly -- “Sometimes the words “thank you” are not strong enough”.

Thanksgiving means much more to me this year than it ever has. For the past few years, I’ve faithfully held onto the hope that by the next time the holiday came around, we would become parents. I feel so fortunate that it has happened.

I’m at work now, counting the moments until I can pick her up from daycare. I see her smiling face scroll by on my digital picture frame -- a sweet gift from my husband to ease the time away from her. I can almost hear the giggles, which have become more frequent over the last few days. Her laughter is the latest milestone that we’ve enjoyed.

For those of you who are still waiting to become parents… for those in the throes of infertility treatments… for those struggling with loss… I hope that each of you finds some peace during the holiday season. I know it can be a painful reminder of what you wish you had (or what you once had), and it can be hard to understand people who seem to take it for granted. I hope that somehow and in some fashion, you’re able to reach your dreams.

In light of the recent vitriol that I’ve seen other bloggers endure, I have considered taking my blog private. Yet I clearly remember how much comfort I felt when I started reading blogs of people who were going through the same thing we were. Perhaps in my own small way, I can pay some of that forward. As another consideration, I have more detailed things I’d like to discuss with respect to our adoption but I’m leery to do so in a public forum. So the bottom line on this is… I’ll keep you posted (har har).

For those celebrating the holiday, I wish you and your families a very Happy Thanksgiving!

Where has the time gone?

2009-11-14T21:05:00.002-05:00

Hello! This has certainly been a long and unexpected break. I'm terribly sorry about that. Our Sweetpea is napping a bit, so I have some time (although my bowl of ice cream is melting...).

I return to work next week after a wonderful 13 weeks with our little girl. It's been great, and I'm sad that it's over. The good news is I was able to arrange for part-time work! I'll be at the office from Monday to Wednesday, and off on Thursday and Friday. We'll need to tighten our budget of course but I think it will be well worth it. I'm glad that both DH and my workplace were open to the idea. The daycare she'll be at is close to our house, and the main caregiver seems quite nice. I know it will be hard to leave her, and balancing both work and family will forever be tough... but this seems to be a good solution right now.

Sweetpea is doing well. Perhaps too well, sitting at the 95th percentile for weight at her 2 month well check!! The doctor didn't seem concerned, as she has a larger noggin too (82nd percentile) and is keeping her formula down. I've heard that things can change quite a bit once they start crawling. She's a generally happy baby and is babbling more each day. Lots of smiles too. She loves being read to, and gets a kick out of flash cards -- being a fan of nature shows, I've enjoyed telling her all about the biology and habits of the various animals on the cards. Yes, I am a nerd!

We remain in contact with the birthmother. We hope to visit her and her family soon. There's been no word about the birthfather yet. We had our second post placement visit this morning... we're pros by now.

So the crazy thing is I will probably have much more time to blog and post once I'm back at work. Ha!

Oh, she's stirring. I promise to be back again soon!

This and That

2009-09-28T15:14:00.002-04:00

No problem at all with the first post placement visit, which was good since I decided not to go crazy with cleaning. I think that the key was letting the social worker hold the baby! Her visit was about an hour, and mainly consisted of seeing how Sweetpea was doing, if she had a safe place to sleep, etc.

We bought an Er.go baby carrier a couple of weeks ago. I'm wearing her in it now as I type on the computer... it's awesome! Hopefully she's not too warm in there but she seems cozy. It's also invaluable when it comes time to walk the dogs. I tried a few carriers and settled on this one, since DH can wear it too. Some carriers are better suited for women (like the Be.co).

We just made a switch from ready to feed to powder formula this weekend, and the poor girl seems to be struggling a bit in the BM department. When she finally goes, it's darker than it has been. Has anyone else experienced this? I'm wondering if we should stick with ready to feed or maybe try concentrate. We're using distilled bottled water with the powder.

She is starting to smile more, which is so cute! Non-gas-related smiles too. She really enjoys the playmat and is also figuring out the whole hands thing.

Our agency had a September match, and now there are no childless couples on their wait list! Feel free to message me if you want more information about our agency. I know the director is working with a couple of birthmothers and there aren't many waiting families right now.

I'm trying to figure out what to do when it comes time to return to work. So far I haven't figured out a way to work from home. I'm very tempted to return to my job part-time, but I'm not sure if DH will go for that. I'd love to find a way to work 3 days a week and be home with her the rest of the time. Ah well, the search continues...

30 Days and Other Random Thoughts

2009-09-14T17:26:00.004-04:00

Wow, I have really become a laaame blogger! So sorry about that. Our little Sweetpea is just over a month old. This means that the BM's TPR has expired; however, the BF hasn't signed yet. While it's unlikely he would contest the placement, it remains a gray cloud over things. I just need to have faith that it will work out.

Mommyhood has been the best job ever, better than I could have imagined. Also more exhausting than I could have imagined. Our little girl has been waking up more often at night, and drinking less from her bottle before passing out. I thought we'd hit gold after one 5 hour stretch, but alas we've regressed a bit.

Most days she's quite happy, except for when she has a dirty diaper or when her bottle isn't prepared fast enough. Today was a bit of a fussy day, and Mommy is waiting for her chance to take a quick shower. Today is marked by small victories rather than the things I'd hoped to accomplish. Lists are a necessity these days and I'm learning not to get mad at myself for days when nothing gets taken off.

We're visiting a daycare center tomorrow (*sniffle*), and on Wednesday I'm going to check out some baby carriers.

On Saturday we have our first post-placement visit. I don't have the energy (or time!) for the cleaning spree this time around. For those of you that have been through one, what might we expect? The nursery isn't done yet either.

Oh, and if anyone is seeking a domestic adoption agency, I'm quite happy with ours. They are small and PA-based. Unfortunately they can't work with couples in every state. Their fees are reasonable. If you're interested, send me an email (questforalifetime at gmail.com) and I'll tell you more about them.

As an aside... I've had several sales ladies remark on how good I look for having such a little baby. I've decided to just smile and take the compliment... why the hell not, right? ;)

Three Weeks Already?!?

2009-09-02T22:39:00.007-04:00

Oh dear, where has the time gone? The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of visitors, diapers, laundry, and lots and lots of love. My parents stayed for a couple of weeks and thankfully it was pretty drama free... though there were some instances of "This is how I did it when you were a baby" (fortunately I could easily shift blame to the pediatrician!). While they were a big help, they also kept me busy with projects around the house. Alas I didn't have much time for the internet!

Along that line, I have newfound respect for new mommy bloggers writing updates during the early days. You are even more awesome than I thought.

Sweetpea is doing wonderfully. She had another appointment today and is doing great with her growth. We are so lucky!! One day soon I'd like to share some of her birth story, and talk a bit about how our adoption is going. There's one unknown out there (re: birthdad) but I have to have faith that it will work out.

In the mean time, let me share some random thoughts (which may or may not be useful/interesting since they are tinged by sleep deprivation):

-- Aden & An*ais blankets are awesome for swaddling. I think Targ*et now sells them online.

-- Pack and plays with the bassinet are great inventions.

-- Thank you to those who suggested the Itz*been timer.

-- While developing upper arm strength is admirable, a Snap & Go stroller that fits with your carseat is handy.

-- Babies will wait to poop just as you're about to step through the door for an appointment. It's uncanny.

-- Sweetpea fights to get her arms out of the swaddle, and then lifts them over her head. She might be an NFL ref some day -- touchdown!

-- She can manage an impressive arching pee during a diaper change (something I thought only little boys did).

Alas, sleep is knocking on my door. I'm trying to catch up on how everyone has been. I see there's some exciting news out there!

A few pictures (Warning: Severe Cuteness)

2009-08-18T09:55:00.004-04:00

One day I will find time to write, I swear! :)

She's here!!!

2009-08-15T07:09:00.002-04:00

Our Sweetpea made her debut on Thursday night, weighing in at 7 pounds 8 oz. We were able to spend the day with birthmom and her family, and I was lucky enough to be in the labor and delivery room. It was an unbelievable, incredible moment! Her birthmom is an amazing young woman, and I think she's feeling better about having ongoing contact. We met several family members too (lots of visitors yesterday!).

DH and I are absolutely smitten! She should be discharged today, so our big adventure is about to begin!

More later, with some pictures :)

Left foot, right foot...

2009-08-12T15:08:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I think it would be nice to have a crystal ball, to see how this is going to play out! Yet I know this is all part of the journey. One day I'll hopefully look back on the craziness and smile.

We'll be leaving early tomorrow morning. During her last appointment, the expectant mother will find out if she's going to the hospital earlier than scheduled (inducement is currently scheduled for the evening). We hope to have a chance to spend some time with her before then.

My stomach turns in knots sometimes, when I think about what awaits us! It's going to be pretty awesome.

I need to ask one more time for your good thoughts, prayers, vibes, whatever... all of it is appreciated! I'll post an update as soon as I can.

Until then!

Nope, Not Yet!

2009-08-10T16:18:00.004-04:00

Well, the date of inducement is approaching! For a while there, I thought she'd already be here. Yet the little one seems to be enjoying her surroundings too much, and is in no hurry to leave.

For now if this continues, we'll head up on the 13th to meet the expectant mom and the agency's director. We can spend time together before the main event begins. We've reserved a hotel room for a few days.

I had flirted with the idea of trying adoptive breastfeeding, but unfortunately DH is in financial freakout mode right now... what with losing my salary for 3 months plus the other adoption costs. I understand where he's coming from in some ways, yet sometimes he's driving me batty! There are times when I just want to enjoy becoming a mom and splurge a bit (the jogging stroller was one case -- and it was on sale!). Sometimes it makes me so mad, not being able to enjoy these things. If I were pregnant, I could qualify for 8 weeks of ST disability which is at least partially paid.

Of course everyone has a different situation that can lead to the same kind of pressures. It could be paying back money for years of fertility treatments. It could be the unexpected pregnancy when you're worried about losing your job. I'm sorry to everyone who finds themselves under financial stress during what SHOULD be a very happy time!

Above all, I have to remember what this is all about. I hope to be a mom to this little girl. She won't care if she has the best nursery gear money can buy, or if she's dressed in the best baby clothes (that will be years later!). I just need to keep my focus on that.

Definitely a Leo

2009-08-04T15:04:00.010-04:00

There's been no change since last week, but if labor hasn't started by her next appointment (next week) the doctor will induce her. So baby girl will be a Leo!

I've started sketching out the adoption story so far, which I hope to turn into a lifebook one day. I found a great book on putting one together. It recommends getting your child involved in creating it as well, eventually. I figured I could get things started though, with the earliest days.

There's a part of my heart which reminds me to be cautious. But then this happens:

Now while I'm by no means the Grinch (no really!), it feels like my heart is fuller.

I feel fortunate to have made it to this point. We would be so blessed to continue on this journey!

Still Here

2009-08-03T11:13:00.003-04:00

Apparently the little one is not ready to make her debut yet. I think we're about as ready as we can be. The car seat bases were installed yesterday, and we set up the Pack N Play. I'm trying to be cautious but my excitement about the *possibility* of this is growing. My heart is almost bursting sometimes. The expectant mom has another appointment tomorrow, so hopefully we'll have a better idea of how things are going. Somehow I've managed not to send hundreds of emails to our agency!

I promise to keep you all posted. We could still use good thoughts and crossed fingers... thanks so much for your words of support :)

Tracking Tips?

2009-07-30T09:17:00.002-04:00

Quick question... I believe we'll need to let the SW and pediatrician know about key stats like diaper changes, feedings, etc. Does anyone have any recommendations on a good system, or is a trusty low-tech notebook the best way? Thanks!

Edit: Sent the Match fee today. It's feeling more and more real! Definitely the most intense roller coaster I've ever been on :)

Hello Me... Meet Me

2009-07-29T17:19:00.002-04:00

These days, I find myself wearing many different masks.

There’s the one I wore when we went to BBB this weekend, perhaps looking like an over-prepared first trimester couple who were already buying their carseat and pack and play (silly us!). I used that mask at BRU too, when I picked up some diapers, wipes and a few onesies. I hope I get to continue wearing this one for a long time. It’s a happy mask that will always be colored by past experiences, and will try not to take things for granted.

I have a different mask at work, as I try to figure out how many people I should tell or whether it would be best to wait. My boss knows, as does HR. The people on my current project know. That’s it for now. My DH has been more liberal in spreading the word in his office but so far I’ve been selective. This mask wavers sometimes, as I struggle with what I’m really thinking about inside when I should be focused on work.

Then there’s the family and friends mask. I’ve been upfront with the possibilities here, and asked them to be hopeful but cautious. I see my Mom is struggling with this, but I wanted to be truthful. It might happen, but it might not. Again, I’ve kept the “circle of knowing” to a small group of friends. Today one asked what I knew about the expectant mom, and I felt very defensive of her. If we are the ones to parent this baby, I want to be careful about sharing her birth story.

The last mask generally underlies all the others. This is the mask of fear, the biggest ones being “will it or won’t it happen?” and “how will things go at the hospital?” I hope we made a good impression on her when we spoke last week, but the fear lingers. I hope we’ll be able to say and do the right things at the hospital. I hope she stays in contact with us afterwards. There’s also a healthy dose of “will we know what to do with a newborn” fear, but I imagine everyone has this. Do the books say you should swaddle them in a carseat? Should they wear something cool or something short sleeved for the drive home?

It’s hard to know which Me I’m looking at in the mirror sometimes!

In the latest, "hot off the presses", just got an email update... it's looking like she will go early. I'm not versed in pregnancy lingo but the "plug" is going, and I think that's a sign that it won't be too much longer. *gulp*

Butterflies

2009-07-23T09:14:00.004-04:00

Seriously, I think I have a case of perma-butterflies!!

I think that the call went all right. I have a tendency to second-guess myself afterwards. I keep thinking "I should have said this" or "I should have asked her about that". I also tend to be more of a listener than a talker, and that serves me well in most cases. D and I were so nervous last night, and I'm worried that we didn't speak enough. I know I need to step back and say we've done the best we can do. It's hard, though, you know?

It was interesting to learn what drew her to our profile. She also asked that I be present in the L&D room. *gulp*

Oh... and we learned that we're (hopefully) joining Team Pink :)

She has another doctor's appointment on Tuesday. Hopefully we'll have a better idea of a due date (early or on schedule).

So that is the latest! We're going to go ahead and get the carseat this weekend. Thanks again for all of your supportive words, they mean a lot!

Edit: Shinejil, great point about the car seat checks! I found a location near us using this website.

Breathe

2009-07-22T10:30:00.003-04:00

We'll be speaking to the expectant mom over the phone this evening. I'm excited, nervous, anxious, happy, scared... honestly I've never experienced such emotional ping pong before! I hope the call goes well. If it does, we should have an official match... and we can go ahead and buy the carseat. Wow.

Judging from her doctor's visit tomorrow, it looks like she'll deliver in early August. It could be sooner.

So, a question to my fellow adoptive moms -- did you have to pay out of pocket for the pediatrician at first, until your insurance kicked in? Or does that differ depending on the insurance company? Thanks.

I can't even express how hard it is to stay focused at work today!

Edit: Yes, the agency's director will be on the phone with us as well :)

So Glad I Don't Bite My Nails...

2009-07-20T11:38:00.001-04:00

There’s been no update yet. The expectant mom has a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, so maybe she’s waiting until that’s done before getting in touch again. Maybe.

I think I’ve done a decent job of “guarding my heart”, as the agency’s director said to do. It’s still tough. My mind can’t help but leap ahead and think about what life might be like in a few weeks, and going forward. I’m gathering coupons and looking for sales… dusting off my copy of Baby Bar*gains and reviewing baby items lists. I’m a planner by nature.

But then the word “Maybe” hits again, and I try to reel myself back in. Maybe she has changed her mind, as is her right to do. Maybe the expectant father wants to parent. Maybe once she learned that we accepted the match, it was the first time she realized this is for real and she’s afraid. I’ve never spoken to this woman, but now think about her often and wonder how she is working through all of this. It must be so incredibly hard.

If things don’t work out for whatever reason, at least I know that there are possibilities out there. Not long ago, it seemed like we might never find a match. This has been an affirmation for me, that yes *one day* this will happen.

Thanks for putting up with my babbling. Your support and continued good vibes are appreciated! Will keep you posted…

A Basketful of Hope

2009-07-15T18:27:00.003-04:00

I wasn't sure if I should say anything. Part of it is suspicion, part of it is because there are some things that need to be worked out. But here it goes...

We got a CALL!!

Holy crap, we got a call!

Like I said, there are some things that need to be worked out (BF side) but our agency's director said things look positive. We should know more in a few days. The baby is due in mid-August but could come early. If all continues to go well, we should be in touch with the expectant mother next week.

*GULP*

I know I need to guard my heart, and I know things might not go through (before or after the birth). For now, though, I'm holding on to the crazy hope that I might become a mom next month. I am floored and awed by the thought of that.

I'm about to call my parents. I hadn't planned to yet, but DH thinks we should let them know. Hopefully I can successfully convey the need for cautious optimism! Oh boy, wish me luck!

The Family Orchard

2009-07-14T10:16:00.002-04:00

One of the few bright spots of my recent abundance of travel was the chance to read through some of the adoption books I purchased. This included "The Family of Adoption" by Joyce Maguire Pavao. The author is an adoptee herself, and she works as a therapist for adoptive families. She treats all members of the adoption triad with warmth and respect, and has age-specific suggestions for talking to your kids and related anecdotes of her experiences. I earmarked a few pages that really struck me, and I'd like to post about some of them eventually. A concept that I loved was the "family orchard".

Adoptive families might have a difficult time with the family tree assignments that sometimes come up in school. Pavao writes about using the family orchard instead -- a series of interlinked trees. This is sensitive to the different ways in which families come to be, whether it's through adoption, fostering, grandparents raising grandkids or step-parents and step-siblings. I thought this was a great way to turn something potentially uncomfortable into a more positive situation. She offers suggestions for when names of the biological parents are unknown as well.

Guilt

2009-07-07T16:10:00.004-04:00

I’m struggling with how to reach out to someone who used to be a good friend. I’ve known her for ten years, and she was a great support to me when I first moved to the United States. She took me under her wing, both as a friend and professionally at work.

Then some difficult things happened. She didn’t like my future husband, so much so that she called my mother about it in concern... wanting me to leave him. She didn’t like it when I left my old company. She took it personally, and I was even accused of starting some office rumors about my reason for leaving. We pretty much stopped speaking after that went down.

She developed breast cancer. I got back in touch with her briefly, and joined her family and friends on a breast cancer walk. I remember telling her how D and I were trying to have a baby. This was in 2006. I fell out of touch again, but was glad to hear that she had beaten the disease.

Now I hear that her cancer has returned, and it’s inoperable. I haven’t been in contact with her in three years… the time when I was battling my infertility demons and basically shut out the world. I was a sorry excuse for a friend during that time. I’m struggling with what to do and how to reach out. I’ve thought about writing a letter to her, since I’m not a big fan of the phone. Part of me wonders if she would even want to hear from me, but a bigger part of me wants to suck it up even if I am rebuffed.

So what do you think, oh wise internets?

*****

Edit: I've been thinking about this a lot since writing this post. It's not until I put it down on "paper" that I realized something. Of course I'm not a psychiatrist, so I could be off base. I think the downturn in our relationship came when I became more independent, and began to do things that she didn't expect. With my husband, she didn't approve of him and immediately began treating me differently. On the career side of things, she probably thought I'd follow her in our former company and perhaps eventually take her place. Instead, I made a move that was better for me. She was rather cruel when I left (pretty much had me in tears), and I think she had a role in the false rumors that swirled during that time, in which my name was dragged through the mud.

How can I reconcile these two sides? On the one hand, I'm grateful that she was there for me in the beginning. Given her current state, I'm sure she would appreciate all the support she can get. Yet in other ways she really hurt me.

When Logic and Irrationality Collide

2009-06-30T09:34:00.002-04:00

I really should be focused on writing the report that's due tomorrow, but I have to get this out of my system. I popped over to our agency's website and noticed that there were two matches in May. A boy and a girl.

Now logically, I know this is a good thing on several levels. It's wonderful that these little ones found their forever families. It's good for my agency to receive fees to continue their outreach efforts, since I know how businesses are struggling these days. It's two fewer couples to be shown against. Finally, their waits were fairly brief.

And yet ever since I saw those matches, I'm asking myself, "Why not us?" It's totally selfish, I know. I feel a bit like I used to in grade school, when I was among the last people picked for the softball team. I wish I felt differently but ugh, there it is.

I tell myself (and here's where logic tries to step in again) that we won't be a match for every birthparent, and that we are waiting for the match that's right for us. It makes sense. It's not like I can go change our profile to reflect something that we aren't. We want to be honest about things since you really don't want to start off what might be a lifelong relationship with a bunch of half-truths.

Somehow I have to drag my mind back to the present, and what needs to be done to finish this report. Despite what they told us in that meeting in the Spring, when they said they saw a bright future for the people who were not laid off... there have been additional firings with more expected this week. I go through my days at work feeling very expendable. It doesn't seem to matter any more how long you've been here, or if you've spent the past several weeks working 60+ hours. In this economy and in this firm, we've moved from what you know to who you know. I don't do well with the "who you know" side... I'm much better at building client relationships through hard work. This just suuuucks.

OK, I can't end this post like that. Chicago is an awesome city. I didn't see too much of it, unfortunately. For the most part, we had our meals ordered in for us and ate in the conference room. I loved the pizza! I would like to go back some day and actually see the city.

Once this report is out the door, I owe everyone some posts! I've been catching up on reading but am sorely lacking in the comments department... sorry about that.

Tidbits

2009-06-20T00:23:00.004-04:00

Next week should be my last week of travel for a while... hopefully! I'll be in Chicago. It'll be my first trip there and I'm looking forward to seeing the city. Granted, I'm not sure how much time I'll have to see the city... my work weeks have been hitting 60 hours. We have a report deadline for the end of the week. I'm setting a mini goal of trying real Chicago style pizza, and anything beyond that is a bonus.

*****

I'm terribly behind on my blog comments too. I've been trying to catch up where I can (yay Rebekah and Ben!) but should have more time for blogging in July. I hate it when work gets in the way of blogging!

*****

We saw the movie "Up" last weekend. It was fantastic! The 3D was well done, and I was pleased to see them recycle the glasses after it was done. This movie boasts what I believe might be the sweetest 10 minute love story ever. I knew about the opening scenes, and even had prior warning about the infertility angle. It still made me cry. Scratch that... I sobbed. You know, those shuddering quick inhales? Yes, that was me. I couldn't help it... it was so spot on. Thank you, Pix*ar.

I am in good company on this... here's another great post. Spoilers lie within.

*****

I experienced my first tornado last Wednesday in Dallas. I didn't see any of the funnel clouds but heard sirens and was amazed by how black the sky became. It was freakin scary! We're working in a conference room and you could feel the windows moving. You could see the light standards bending in the parking lot. No power at our hotel until 3:00 am. The scene at the airport was crazy the next day, and I was grateful to have a flight home. Over 60 people on stand-by for my flight alone!

*****

I love coffee. That is all.

*****

No luck with getting my co-workers to become more adventurous diners. Here's hoping Chicago is better. Riiiiight.

*****

I love the new Dave Matthews Band release. We're seeing them in September. Can't wait!

*****

DH and I are planning a vacation for mid-September. The leading contender is Yellowstone, with Maine and San Francisco vying for a chance. We're reviewing travel guides now. I'm dreaming about the photographs I could take. Also watching that fabulous Yellowstone series (on Discovery, maybe?) makes us want to go there.

*****

No adoption news. We haven't heard from the agency in a while. Thinking of dropping them a "Hey how's it going?" email shortly. They've had three placements so far this year, which is a drop from prior years. I guess there are pros and cons to small agencies like this.

*****

Latest baby bargain is a diaper bag on sale at LL Bean. I ordered one, and got free shipping with this promotion code: 3003260

*****

Have a great weekend!

A sweet sculpture

2009-06-09T17:01:00.001-04:00

If you scroll to the bottom of this page, you'll find this:

Child of my Heart

Child of the world,
Into my heart you came —
Bringing sun into my life,
Making family our name.

Child of my Heart is a tall figurine of a woman holding a young child in her arms. The mother and child have different hair and skin color, subtly implying that they may not be related by blood. The piece was inspired by a friend of Susan’s who adopted an Asian child. However, the adoption reference does not prevent this piece from being meaningful for any parent and child. As with all of Susan’s sculptures, the piece is open to interpretation… the woman could be the child’s birth mother, caregiver, godparent, aunt, etc. Regardless of relationship, the two share a strong love and bond. The sentiment for the piece is a love poem to a child. It may speak especially clearly to someone who has or is planning to adopt, as it refers to welcoming a long-awaited child into a family.

Pouting

2009-06-04T19:20:00.003-04:00

It's week 5 of consecutive travel for work. The best week by far was number 4, when I was here by myself. That was great!! Sadly, my co-workers have reappeared like a rash that won't go away. It's an unsaid rule in our company that you all go out to dinner together, even after seeing each other for about 10 hours.

This is what I'm really pouting about... don't you hate it when you're traveling, and your co-workers insist on going to chain restaurants? The same ones you have back home? On multiple occasions? They are driving me crazy!

Tonight I hope they take my suggestion to drive to the Fort Worth Stockyards, which are not too far from where we're working. I don't think there are any chains down there (or at least national chains) but I will kick them in the shins if they insist on going to one!! I might even buy a set of spurs first!

(And yes I know, the spurs are on the back but I can work with that!)

Thanks!

2009-05-25T10:53:00.002-04:00

Thank you so much for your advice and thoughts about teaching! I really appreciate it. I had not thought beyond the K-12 level, so there might be some additional options out there. I'll try to get a better sense of what the demand might be in our area. Ms. J, I think it's likely similar to what you're seeing (more supply than demand) but I'm not sure.

To become state certified, I would need to be a U.S. citizen. I've already started looking into that. I might as well do it before my permanent residency card comes up for renewal. While the United States doesn't recognize dual citizenship, I could still keep my Canadian citizenship.

While some of this urge to change jobs is because of the current instability of my profession, there is a part of me that longs to do something that makes a difference. At my prior firm, I worked as a forensic accountant and helped investigate fraud. That was pretty satisfying work. Unfortunately, even that specialty has been hurt and I know former co-workers that have been laid off.

I think for now, I'm going to remain at my company and ride it out. I should have a better idea of what's going on in July when this project is over. It's possible at that time, they'll make the decision for me! I'll also try to get a sense of what teaching opportunities exist in my area, as well as any environmental jobs.

Well, I must begin packing for my next trip... thanks again!

Oi!

2009-05-22T14:23:00.000-04:00

Yes, I’m still here… and I’m sorry about being a bad blogger (again)! It’s been a busy few weeks with good and bad occurrences.

On the bad side, there was another round of lay-offs at work. This time one of my good friends was let go. He was my buddy in infertility and adoption. He and his wife will be united with their baby boy in Ethiopia next month. I hope this sudden job loss doesn’t alter their plans too much. He should not have been fired… he interacted well with our clients and worked hard. I think his downfall was partly because he didn’t like the political side of things, and didn’t want to kiss up to certain people at the company. I’m so sad to see him go.

Work remains slow at our firm. Everyone (well not everyone… more politics) has been told to expect more travel. If you don’t travel, you’ll be fired. I’ve been on an out-of-town project which will last through June… and internet access (and blogging) is limited – boo! This project is a mixed blessing, because I think they might have let me go if I had remained “on the bench”. They might still, when July comes. I’ve been with this firm for over five years but nothing is a certainty. I really don’t want to have to travel extensively for the long-term. I didn’t sign up for this.

While part of me wants to explore other options, it’s not a great time to change jobs. My biggest worry, though, is losing the ability to use FMLA leave. You need to be with a firm for over a year to qualify for it. I’m not sure why they need to be so strict about qualifications for unpaid leave, but whatever. Maybe it will take a while for us to be matched (I hope not!), but I’m nervous about taking this risk. I can’t imagine picking up a new baby and having to return to work right away. Sure, perhaps my husband could take the time off… but I selfishly want it to be me!

Another part of me thinks that maybe this is a good time for a career change. When I was young and single, the consulting lifestyle was great. I loved to travel and see new places in the world. I was able to visit countries I might not have seen otherwise. But now, I want to be home! I want to be with my DH, my doggies, my family and friends. And one day… well, you know.

Sometimes I think about pursuing a job in teaching. It looks like I’d need to become a US citizen first, and then do the schooling and tests. Can we afford to do that, on top of adoption? Are there jobs in my state? How long would I be a substitute? Could I get a job near our home? So many questions. Perhaps there are jobs in green technology, which would be more in line with my degree. Yet I’ve been out of that field for years, and wonder if I would have enough experience.

On the good side, we visited Canada recently and saw lots of family and friends. We had some friends give us their old baby items, which was so sweet of them. They bought us a new monitor as well. The wait is hard, as many of you know. Sometimes it feels like it’s never going to happen. Still, it was cool to sort through those baby clothes and think about the future.

It’s been heartening to read about recent matches and ones that are soon to come. I’m also excited to see people expecting their first (or second!) babies after waiting and trying for such a long time. I’m so happy for you all, and grateful to be able to follow along on your journeys!!

Spring is the Time for Nesting

2009-04-30T15:37:00.003-04:00

For many months, a neighbor of ours had stuck a small American flag in a part of their lawn next to their sidewalk. It survived the wind and rain, and even a late April snowstorm. It survived the neighborhood kids as well. One morning, DH and I were leaving the house to take our dogs for their walk. We noticed a gray squirrel tugging at the flag. It stopped when we gestured towards it and scampered up a tree. At the end of our walk, sure enough the little flag was gone! We either have a very patriotic squirrel or one smart enough to know good nesting materials when he/she saw them.

Slowly, very slowly, I've been doing some nesting. None of the big ticket items yet (crib, car seat, stroller) but I've begun to collect a few other items. Yesterday my new sleepywrap arrived, and I plan to test it out using one of my teddy bears. Go ahead and laugh now! I hope to be able to wear my little one, and this wrap looked like a good, inexpensive option... plus it can be used from newborn to about two years old. Given that we don't know what age our peanut might be, the few things I'm buying are both age and gender neutral. I think only adoptive and foster parents have to worry about things like "age neutral"!!

I've ordered some Grobags, in the 6 to 18 month size. They take the place of blankets in a crib, to guard against SIDS. Another similar option are Halo sleep sacks. I happened to find the GBs at a great price online.

So what are some good websites for the more bargain-oriented mom-to-be? Here are some of my favorites, starting with the user forums of Baby Bargains:

Baby Bargains forums -- lots of info on sales and reviews of baby stuff

Mamabargains -- I found the Grobags here

Babyearth -- they have a different item on sale for each hour during the workweek

Babysnazz -- good deals on discontinued/used baby carriers

Simple blog

It's also good to join the mailing list for Babies R Us. At least once a month they send coupons, including 15% off carseats, strollers, pack & plays, etc. The coupons can be used online.

Happy nesting, and bargain hunting! :)

Because Sometimes You Just Have to Laugh

2009-04-27T08:48:00.002-04:00

DH and I went to a class this weekend -- baby care for adoptive parents. I thought this would be a helpful thing and it would be good to get some tips (swaddling, bathing, cord care, etc.). Plus there wouldn't be the awkwardness of being in a room full of pregnant people.

Well, the instructor was about 6-7 months pregnant! Srsly.

It was pretty good for the most part. There was a social worker there as well, and she was great in explaining what we might expect at the hospital. I was happy to see that we've already done a few of the things she suggested, like finding a pediatrician. Her list of things you need and things that are nice to have were pretty much what I expected.

Work remains stressful. I will be traveling in May but I'm not sure for how long. Fantastic timing, what with the swine flu and all! Ugh.

In other things, thanks to this recent post by Ms. Planner I've been considering the option of cloth diapers. I didn't know that we've moved far beyond the world of safety pins and such, into interesting options like Bum*Genius and g*Diapers. I'm still looking into this but I'm excited about the possibilities. I also bought a bunch of Seven*th Generation cleaning products this weekend, as I work to phase out our other cleaners. I'll be checking B&N for a book on green cleaning too.

So It Goes

2009-04-14T09:54:00.002-04:00

It's been a rough few weeks at the office. I used to think that accounting firms were immune to lay-offs and downsizing but that isn't that case. The group that I had been part of was dissolved a couple of weeks ago, with the partner in charge also let go. The signs were there for a while, from things he said and didn't say. It wasn't a complete surprise but it was awful nonetheless. Myself and some other colleagues were spared from this and were reassigned to other groups. Another 15 people weren't so lucky.

I think one of the worst parts was how it was handled. The people that were being reassigned or reorganized were sent to a meeting in one conference room. The people that were being let go were in another conference room. People were comparing email distribution lists prior to the meetings and were trying to figure out what was going on. I had worked with some of them for years. One had just had an addition to his family. I can't believe they did this in a group setting instead of individually. By the time our meeting was over, they were gone. Empty offices and empty cubicles.

There's been a certain amount of survivor's guilt since then. I had been making an effort to be visible at the firm, after my long-term case ended. It's easy to sit back during downtime and do things like leaving early. I think I was also lucky in that I've worked with several different partners and they spoke up for me. Some of the people that were let go had only worked for the fired partner.

I've been grateful that DH and I have jobs during this time, and now I'm even more thankful for it. I hope we see an upswing soon in the economy, and that my former colleagues find new jobs soon.

No news on the adoption front. Lately I've pondered starting on decorating THE room but DH remains leery. We've decided to do more hiking and explore trails in our area. We've done about 5 miles each of the past two Sundays.

RIP Harry Kalas... you will be missed.

When to be an Advocate, When to Brush it off

2009-03-24T16:24:00.002-04:00

I had an incredibly busy Friday! I took the day off and visited four daycare centers near us, and met with a pediatrician. I was really impressed that I managed to schedule all the visits to account for driving time and to allow for a tour. I was exhausted by the end but glad that I did it. I've been leery about buying anything... though I might be caving shortly on an adorable bedding set... but I figured these were a couple of things I could do ahead of time.

So we're set with the pediatrician. Number 1 -- the practice she's in is affiliated with an awesome children's hospital. If you call after hours, they patch you through to a nurse at the hospital (no calling service). Number 2 -- she adopted her children domestically and so she "gets it". She was pleased that I went to see her before a match, noting that some people don't give it enough thought and end up in a panic. She had about 24 hours notice for both of her kids. Number 3 -- it's a reasonable drive and they have great hours. Score!

As for daycares, they all seemed to be pretty good. They were clean, the people were very friendly, and the babies looked happy. One of my fears was not having a spot available when needed, but just knowing there are multiple options made me feel better. The one I liked the best had reduced rates for part-time (defined as 6 hours or less), which set my mind to racing as to whether we could manage that. Another one had reduced rates for a four-day week. Most of the ones I called were full-time only for infants.

I think I'm going to have to eliminate the four-day week one (which was a God.dard School) because of an offhanded comment that I can't get out of my head. I wish I could but it's still bugging me even days later. As I was preparing to leave the infant room, one of the caregivers said, "You know what's funny? I have two friends of mine that adopted and after that they got pregnant! So you never know!" And went on about this for a couple of minutes, bringing the director into the conversation and another caregiver.

I froze. Then I did my nervous laugh, and said, "Right, you never know".

I know people do this because they think it makes you feel better. But seriously. Maybe I should I have said, "Well ma'am, I don't think my disfunctional ovaries will fix themselves. I don't think my cycles will become regular on their own. But hey, you never know!" Part of me wanted to lash out, but the part that won over just brushed it off. Sometimes being the infertility educator is not the role I want to play.

I wonder what my reaction will be when we have a little one, and people say that crap? I have a feeling I might go all Mama Bear on them. Yet I imagine it's a tricky thing, since you don't want your child to pick up on the tension. *sigh*

Hanging Out With Puppies

2009-03-13T10:02:00.003-04:00

I'm *cough cough* working from home today. Actually I am finishing up a self-study course for my continuing ed requirements, but still... it's nice to be able to do that in sweatpants. I have our two dogs sleeping nearby, occasionally looking up at me with their expressive dark eyes. They're 6 and 4 years old but to me they'll always be my puppies.

I think I've found a promising pediatrician not too far from us. They're affiliated with an amazing children's hospital, which is comforting. I've scheduled a consultation with one of the doctors next week. On the website, she noted that one of her interests is adoption (cool!). There's a small part of me that feels like a bit of a sham, scheduling an appointment now with no match... yet I think for my own peace of mind, I want to have a pediatrician lined up in case something happens with little notice.

DH and I are having good success with our weight loss. I'm down about 12 pounds, and some of my work pants are becoming loose. It's kind of an amusing problem, as I've been in savings mode and haven't wanted to buy any new clothes. As long as my pants don't fall down at work I'm good, right? :P

It's been a difficult week at work. I've tried to keep myself busy but it's weird not to be at a client. I worked at my client for almost three years, and suddenly I'm in the dreaded "non-billable" category. It's not a good place to be when they look for cutbacks. I'm not sure how long their memories are. Will they remember that I was one of their most billable employees for the past several years? Or will it be a case of "What have you done for me lately?" The other thing I'm struggling with is the defeatist attitude I'm seeing at work. A lot of people seem to have given up, as if they're waiting to be let go. Office morale is absolute crap. I even get that sense from my boss sometimes. He says things like, "I guess I need to reach out to my contacts and set up meetings"... and I can't help but think, "Shouldn't you have been doing this all along? Why did you wait until you lost your two biggest clients?" Ugh. Did I mention I'm happy to be working from home with my puppies? Right, I did!

Have you all seen the brilliant clips over the past two weeks on the D*aily Show, in which they've taken on CNBC? For a show that labels themselves as "fake news", it's been the most realistic assessment of the shitstorm that is the financial markets over the past few years. Last night's interview with Cra*mer started slowly, but by the end he was cowering under Stewart's accusations and anger. Whether or not you like the show, I think this is something everyone should see. We've ALL been hurt by the games the market has been engaged in. I'm so glad that someone stepped up to rip them a new one.

Saw the Watch*men last weekend. It was very violent (over-the-top violence like '300') but a great story nonetheless. DH is a comic book afficianado and he was impressed by how faithful it was to the original comic.

Have a great weekend everyone!

The Pros and Cons of Face *book

2009-03-06T10:54:00.004-05:00

After some prodding from my friends, I signed up with Face *book a while ago. I've been using it for about two years. Being from Canada, it's been great to keep in touch with old friends and acquaintances there. I've found people that I went to kindergarden with, all the way through to university. More recently, I've found some former co-workers as well as friends that have moved to different states.

Really, there are lots of good things about it. (Aside: Although as someone who deals with fraud cases, PLEASE be careful with what personal information you share. DON'T include your full birthdate with the year -- it's a prime identity theft target!)

So what's the downside of Face *book, besides potentially becoming a timesink, or dealing with those annoying "addons" that people send, or finding unflattering pictures of yourself from high school?

Face *book is a prime place to show off cute baby pictures and share baby updates. Moms LOVE it. Particularly my Canadian friends and acquaintances who enjoy a full year of partially paid, job-guaranteed maternity leave! Some of them leave almost daily updates on what their little ones are up to. Some share pregnancy announcements here too. It's a virtual babypolooza!

So what's an infertile girl to do?

LIE.

Lying has been my best defense mechanism. I claim that the site is blocked at work (a half-truth since some clients do) and that I'm too tired to log on my computer at home (this one is bs, I'm on it almost nightly). I only spend time on Face *book when I'm in the right mindframe to do so. When we were going through IF treatments, I avoided it completely. It's gotten a bit easier since moving on to adoption but it still stings sometimes.

I wonder what I'll do when our time comes. Will I bow to peer pressure and post a picture of our little one? I don't know yet... I just don't want to forget where I've come from!

Nom Nom Nom

2009-02-28T09:58:00.003-05:00

DH and I are taking a friend out to the Melt.ing P.ot this evening for dinner. We made the reservations three weeks ago. I've been pouring over the menu since then. I've never been to one before. They specialize in fondues of all kinds, including SEVERAL kinds of dessert fondues. I'll always have a soft spot for fondues since it was something my family did frequently on New Year's Eve, when everyone lived closer together.

I am so excited for tonight!

EDIT: This was a real treat. The only downside was waiting an additional 30 minutes after our reservation, but everything was good after that. While you can order each item "a la carte", we decided on sharing their four-course meal which included salad and three fondues for $45 per person. It was an excellent value and delicious as well!

Chocolate fondue -- dark chocolate, marshmallow creme, and crushed Oreo cookies. Served with fresh strawberries, bananas, marshmallows, cheesecake, pound cake and rice krispie treats. Holy crap!! I wanted to bring it home!!! (Rebekah, the turtle option sounds wonderful too!)

Mini-Progress

2009-02-24T09:34:00.002-05:00

I survived a trip to B*R*U at lunch yesterday. A voluntary trip, no less… one not motivated by an impending baby shower! I strolled through just about all of the aisles. This experience was completely different from the last time I was in the same store, a registry clutched in my sweaty hands as I tried to figure out which play mat to buy.

Thanks to help from friends and tips from an online support group, I have a pretty good idea of what we would need at the beginning. Of course a lot of this will depend on the baby’s age. Most domestic adoptions involve newborns but you just never know.

I plan to check out diaper bags at lunch today. I’m a backpack aficionado, and think something along those lines might work well for us. I figure that a diaper bag is something I can buy now since we’ll need one regardless of the baby’s age.

Baby loot accumulated so far: two Ha*lo sleepsacks of different sizes, two Kiddo*patamus swaddling sleepers, and a pack of burping cloths. Huzzah!

Edit for Shinejil: No worries, those are just brand names. The idea with the sleepsack is it takes the place of a blanket in the crib, reducing the risk of SIDS. The second one is supposed to work like a swaddling blanket. I found both on sale and decided to pick up a couple, in gender neutral prints :)

Edit for Ms. J: Thanks for the great tips! I just looked at some bags from Ju*Ju*Be which seem to meet a lot of those needs (mommy pocket, easy to clean, magnetic closures). I'll be watching the sales and hope to pick up a Packa*Be. It can also switch from a backpack to a shoulder bag. As tempting as the prints are, I'll go for something my DH would carry. I figure since I won't need to buy maternity clothes, I'm going to splurge a bit on the diaper bag!

Same Planet, Different World

2009-02-18T13:29:00.002-05:00

No news on the adoption front. I go through phases of intense optimism all the way through to sadness regarding how long we might wait for a match. Parallel to that, there are periods of anxiety (need a pediatrician now! need to figure out the daycare situation now!) to periods of why-bother-we-have-lots-of-time relaxation. Frankly, I drive myself crazy sometimes! I'm blaming this on "paper pregnancy" hormones.

In talking to my mom last night, it became obvious that she's still wishing that I would get pregnant. I suppose she has to go through the same grieving process that I did when it came to a biological child. Perhaps the need for a biological grandchild is strong in her case. She told me another story of another couple who (after a cruise.... ack!) became pregnant after a long while of trying. Seriously, boo-yah for them. She said I shouldn't lose hope, and again I told her that our chances are quite slim and that it wasn't something I could hang my hat on. I think I will just let this pass and attribute it to her grieving process. It's wearing on me, though.

Not too long ago, I reconnected with a grade school friend on Face.book. I use it infrequently since it's blocked at my workplace, but I happened to be on last night and noticed her reference to a home study. Sure enough, she and her husband are working on a domestic adoption. I sent her a private message to congratulate her and ask how things were going.

Her response made me feel like I was on a different planet...

She told me who she was working with (an organization I hadn't heard of) and said that they expect a wait of around 3 months. She said that the "nice" thing was that the organization was not regulated like agencies are and that they are able to be very aggressive in their marketing to ensure a shorter wait. She said everyone that used them has been very happy.

/jaw drop

Now I would never assume to hold myself up as the model of morality, but that left a BAD taste in my mouth. Perhaps I've come so far over to the side of open adoption that this just pissed me off. It made me think of scenarios where birthparents are pressured or lied to, where closed adoption is the norm, and where counseling is unheard of. I don't think I want to talk to her about adoption any more.

Push and Pull

2009-02-06T13:17:00.003-05:00

I've started another blog... how scandalous! Well, not really but I thought it sounded more dramatic. It's a private one for friends and family, much like the idea luna described in this post from a while back. I'm hoping to keeping them informed about what's happening, and also to dispel some of the wild adoption misinformation I've heard lately (example -- my mother thought adoption fees went to the birthparents, as part of a 'sale').

As we move through things like infertility, fertility treatments and adoption, there's a constant push and pull between what to keep private and what to make public. For most of my life I've been a very private person -- more of a listener than a speaker, and painfully shy for a number of years. I remember one birthday party where I crawled under the table during the singing of Happy Birthday... and that was among family! Thankfully I've come a long way since those days.

The wrecking ball that is infertility smashed down a lot of my built-in walls of privacy. During that time, I lost count of the number of doctors and nurses and other medical professionals that saw my lady bits. I should've charged a fee! There was also the stress of keeping things private while balancing time off work.

Along came adoption, and more walls came crashing down. I have no problem with the detailed nature of the home study process, but damn some of those questions were personal!

And just when you thought it was over, there's another layer to the onion. Outreach. Our agency has encouraged us to participate in the process, and some of the suggestions sound so strange to me. There's the option of printing business cards with a link to our profile, and distributing them to all sorts of people. There's sending an email to friends and colleagues, asking them to keep us in mind if they hear of someone considering an adoption plan. I see the value of doing these things but the small spark of the old private me is balking at the idea.

For now I've set up the blog for our closest friends and family, and we're spreading the word among our acquaintances. We'll see how things go from there!

Amazingly, another situation presented itself this week but we declined it. It was perfect except for likely having to pay for $$$ medical expenses, as well as an attorney in the state of the baby's birth. I spent some time looking into home equity loans and such but in the end it would have been too much of a financial burden. And so the wait continues...

Twists and Turns

2009-02-03T09:15:00.003-05:00

The heading of this post is an apt description of both my stomach lately and the latest news in the toddler case. We had decided to submit our profile for consideration. Unfortunately we just learned that due to recent legal developments, she won't be available for adoption. The custody battles and appeals are getting ugly. I hope that she gets the love she deserves from the family member she will remain with.

If I can take something from this, it's that it was a great wake-up call. I had pretty much assumed we would have lots of time to get things together but you never know when a match can happen (I know.... duh!). So I've been working on things like notifying my office and getting in touch with the insurance company. I'm also going to pick up a copy of "Weaver's Cr*aft" to give us some ideas in case another toddler becomes available.

Officially Official

2009-01-29T13:18:00.003-05:00

We received a copy of our homestudy report today. It feels GREAT to be officially approved! The agency is working on our family profile, using the letter and pictures we sent. Hopefully that will be ready soon.

No new developments with the little girl. I go back and forth about this constantly. Part of me wants to see what's out there, while part of me wonders if it's right before my eyes. Where's a crystal ball when you need one??

My DH and I are going on a mini-trip next weekend to New York. I'm looking forward to it, as we haven't been away in quite some time. As he put it so eloquently, we're going to "geek it up" at the annual Co*mic Con. The guest list gets better (nerdwise at least!) every day, with folks from Doc*tor Who and Torch*wood, Seth Gree*n from Ro*bot Chicken, Milo V from Her*oes (yum!), and lots of others that I'm forgetting right now. Perhaps something involving BSG too. I've also developed a fondness for graphic novels and hope to find some good ones there. I'll be sure to pack my pocket protector!

Approval Imminent... and the Toddler Situation

2009-01-27T08:59:00.005-05:00

We finally had our meeting with the agency director yesterday and it went well. She provided more information about open adoption (including her own experiences with her adopted kids) and talked more about the process. She will also begin working on our profile.

Now here's where things get crazy...

A couple of weeks ago, she matched one of her waiting families with a one-year-old but it fell through. The situation is complex, involving custody disputes, BM in jail, illicit drug use and unknown medical history. We saw this little girl and she looks to be a happy, healthy baby-- beautiful too, with big blue eyes. She's going in for a check up tomorrow. Apparently her medical records indicate she's on target developmentally.

We said we would evaluate the situation and give it serious thought. We talked about it on the drive home. It's all quite overwhelming! When you're sitting there and you see this little one, there's definitely a pull to reach out to her. She's had a tough start and we could provide a good life for her. Yet there are a lot of questions too. I even have worries about safety, like what if the BM gets out of jail and tries to track her down. Maybe that's a Hollywood scenario but it's in my head! I have fears about the long term effects of drug exposure. I've been doing some research on it and interestingly, it seems doctors tend to see worse effects from babies exposed to alcohol and tobacco use. I have fears about bonding, and whether the drug exposure will make that more difficult... plus how she's had several caregivers.

Then there's the whole other level of terror, that what if this does happen now! I've been reading up on baby books but feel woefully underprepared for a toddler. We'd need to childproof the house, we'd need to get a nursery ready (or try a family bed). I'd expected things to take a few months at the very least, giving us more time to keep saving and get our stuff together. If nothing else, if this doesn't work out... it certainly was a wake-up call to the uncertainty inherent in domestic adoption!

For now we'll continue with our research, see how her check-up goes, and wait to hear what happens in court. I hope things work out best for the baby, however that might be.

Take Two

2009-01-23T11:30:00.002-05:00

Unfortunately our appointment was delayed because of a snow storm on Monday. We'll be meeting with the director on the 26th instead. I managed to pull together about 80 pictures, which is more than I expected to find.

It might have been a good thing, as we received some crappy news and we've needed a few days to digest it. We learned that agency fees will be going up by $2,500 in 2009. While that isn't a huge amount of money, it was an unpleasant surprise nonetheless. I took a few days to stress over it (so much so that I was able to diagnose myself with a temporomandibular disorder, based on symptoms that have come and gone for years... there's a $10 word if ever there was one!). I finally wrote the director a long email about it on Wednesday and received a good response as to the reasoning for the changes. In the end, her rates remain reasonable compared to other agencies in the area. We've decided to stay the course.

I'm sure many of you can relate to the frustration I've had, whether you're going through adoption or infertility treatments not covered by insurance. Sometimes it feels like financially-speaking, we're starting out ten steps behind people with natural pregnancies. DH and I are not struggling financially and (*fingers crossed*) our jobs are secure right now. Still, when reviewing baby products or daycare options, I constantly have to remind myself what our post-adoption bank account will look like. It just makes me so angry sometimes.

I'm planning to go to Tar*get at lunch and venture down the car seat aisle for the first time. We don't have a BRU nearby, so that will wait for another day.

Have a nice weekend everyone, and as always thanks so much for checking up on me :)

Nothing Like a Deadline!

2009-01-16T14:26:00.003-05:00

We're meeting with the director of our agency on Monday to finalize the home study (yay!!!) and to start working on the first draft of our adoption profile. Suddenly I find myself staring at four and a half newly written pages describing D and I. Thank you, muse! I should've known better, the same thing often happened to me at university when it came to writing papers.

Phew, I feel a bit better already!

So it would seem (based on my incredible deductive reasoning) that we will be approved to adopt. Of course my Vulcan-like logic won't believe it until I see the official document in my hands.

Happy Friday everyone :)

And So...

2009-01-15T11:35:00.002-05:00

I’ve been feeling a bit bitch-slapped by life lately. At the same time, I see people around me having a much harder time of things, and I feel angry at myself for having this pity party.

We’re still waiting for our home study report and (fingers crossed) approval to proceed with a domestic adoption. The social worker contacted me by email twice for simple follow-up questions, and both times she said she was “almost done”. Our visit was on December 5, so just over a month ago. Perhaps this is normal, particularly with the holidays right in the middle of everything. Still, I find myself feeling impatient about this delay.

One would think I should use this time productively, perhaps by working on our family profile. Well, one would be wrong. Maybe it’s the nagging part of me that still wonders, “What if we’re not approved”? Maybe I’m lazy. I can’t quite pinpoint why I am so uninspired. DH has offered to help write it but he’s not the type to start this kind of thing on his own. Last night I took out some photo albums and bookmarked potential pictures, so that was some progress. The words aren’t there yet… I haven’t found my muse.

During this time, I saw two young, childless couples join the waiting families list at our agency. I’m envious.

Work has been an enormous stress lately. I have been working at a client for several years, and they’ve fallen on hard times. They might have to file for bankruptcy. I’ve gotten to know some of the employees well, and they are great people. I hope they are able to turn things around. I see the stress these folks are under and I am reminded that things could be worse in my world.

On a selfish level, I’m worried where I’ll be sent if this company folds. The higher ups in our firm know of the troubles here, and they are anxious to keep their staff billable. Can I tell you how much I hate that word, “billable”? We should find out next Friday if they’ll continue to keep us on. In the mean time, I’ve heard rumblings of another project… in Connecticut. Um, wtf? Of course I know why I’m a candidate. I’m one of the women that can travel in my office because I have no kids! Isn’t that a kick in the dysfunctional ovaries?!

Then there’s the matter of wanting to change to a more family-friendly job. I’d love something where overtime and travel were not required. I’d love something not focused on billable hours. There’s a certain chain opening a couple of stores in our area at the end of 2009 and beginning of 2010. The future locations are not too far from us, it would be great to have a discount there, and I hear they’re a great company to work for. I keep checking their website to see if jobs are posted. Yet…. adoption is an expensive prospect, and I am well paid at my current job. I’m leery about changing jobs in the current economic climate.

DH remains unconvinced that we could survive on one salary. I hold a small hope of perhaps working part-time once a baby arrives. Even a full-time job at this chain would likely pay less than what I earn now… but I am tired of being the main breadwinner. I’ve been the higher paid one since we got married. I want something where I can focus on family rather than attaining my quota of billable hours.

To that end, I’ve been trying to curtail my spending. I saved up for and bought a new digital camera just before Christmas. I’ve done a good job of keeping my spending low. I did cave and ordered a Slan.ket yesterday, but I figured that will help us continue to keep the heat down over the winter! I’ve been packing my lunches more often than not. I really want to show DH that we can get by with less.

On a positive note, I’m getting great results from working out at Curv.es and also from using WW online. I’ve lost 12 pounds since starting WW in early December, and DH has lost about 20. It was his suggestion to start it, which was awesome. It’s so much better when both of us are committed. I even managed to lose a bit of weight over the holidays, which was a pleasant surprise.

I think I can safely pat myself on the back for becoming a better saver, and for starting to get back into shape. The work situation is (mostly) out of my hands, but I want to get moving on the family profile. I need to set small goals for this project… perhaps figuring out the sections to include. If anyone has a few tips on how they got started, I would be grateful!

Happy Holidays

2008-12-23T14:55:00.002-05:00

Regardless of your beliefs or what you celebrate.... Happy Holidays to you all, and may good things happen for each and every one of you in 2009!!

::sprinkles lucky pixie dust on everyone::

Dreaming of a Green Christmas

2008-12-17T14:47:00.003-05:00

No adoption updates yet. The last of our paperwork was sent last week. I sent an email to the agency and our social worker, letting them know that they should have everything they need and to let us know if anything else was open. No word yet, which I guess is a good thing. I’m fairly certain that everything will go smoothly and we will be approved, yet my past IF experiences have made me guarded. I have started to look at some baby books and websites, but I’m still anxious to get the approval!

I’ve been making my way through the craziness that is the holiday season. On top of the usual things to do, we’re going to a wedding on Saturday and I’m having a tough time figuring out what to wear. It’s a small wedding (second for both) with a reception later at a restaurant, so it’s not overly formal. It seems harder to know what to wear for something like that.

I did a pretty good job of sticking to my budget for Christmas shopping. I’ll be honest with you, I’m getting vaguely irritated by having to buy gifts for adults. I probably sound like a Scrooge but I can’t help it. I love my parents and grandparents to bits and appreciate all they’ve done for me… but they don’t really NEED anything. Honestly, I know the one thing my parents would love is part of the little process we’re going through right now! My grandparents in particular are very stuck on having gifts under the tree. Perhaps it goes back to post-war time when they had little money… the gifts under the tree now show how far they’ve come. Regardless, if it were up to me I’d rather just give a donation to a charity in someone’s name or only give gifts to the kids in the family (plus my friend’s kids).

Along similar lines, I’ve decided to curtail the number of holiday greeting cards I send out this year. Instead, I’m sending free e cards through care2. Not only will this reduce the number of trees cut down for paper products, but apparently each card provides a donation that goes towards saving forests. They also say they don’t add emails to mailing lists, which is good since I’d hate for anyone to get unwanted email spam.

Here are a couple of good articles (Tree.hugger and Yahoo) about green greeting cards, including links to some other cool options. I particularly like the idea of seed cards – people can plant the holiday card and it will flower in the spring (this is discussed in the Yahoo article).

I’ve listed some other options if you’re interested in e cards, green cards, or other ways to give to charity:

St. Jude’s Children's Research Hospital -- tribute donations for up to 100 e cards; they ask for $1 donation per e card sent

Tree Greetings -- each e card purchased plants a tree

Three Leaf Cards -- subscription-based e cards

Pleasantrees -- recycled paper cards

TisBest -- recipients choose charity to donate to

JustGive.org -- charitable gift cards

Benevolus (UK) -- only for UK residents

Exhale

2008-12-05T17:34:00.002-05:00

It really wasn't bad at all. Seriously. I definitely spent WAY too much time cleaning! The tour of the house took about 5 minutes. It was mainly to confirm that we have space for a baby. The interview was about two hours. We were fairly detailed in the responses on the questionnaire, so it was mostly to clarify some of our answers. The SW was friendly and easy to talk to. I am SO relieved!! ::happy dance::

We're going out to a delicious Japanese restaurant tonight to celebrate a friend's birthday. I'm looking forward to the meal and a nice glass of wine.

Thank you all again for your encouraging words.... spot on, as always!

I'm letting myself get a bit more excited about things now! :)

Summing Things Up

2008-12-03T09:03:00.003-05:00

Our firm recently hired a new CEO. I haven't met him in person but he seems to be an interesting fellow. He has been a LOT more communicative than our previous CEOs. My co-workers and I have worked at this firm for four or more years, and it's funny that in speaking to them, it's obvious that we don't know what to make of this guy. He seems genuinely interested in hearing about our concerns; however, we're a bit jaded by false promises made in the past.

Earlier this week, he asked us to participate in an exercise. Some of you have probably heard of this before -- the six word mem.oir. A literary publication called Sm.ith Magazine started a contest a few years ago in which people were asked to submit entries. They published a book and look to be collecting more memoirs to publish a second.

I had thought about making my memoir more career oriented. Something not likely to be noticed, something predictable. But then I said screw it, and wrote a memoir that is indicative of what is important to me:

Good life but something is missing.

We were asked to explain the meaning of our memoir as well, so I did. Part of me thinks that perhaps I shouldn't have shared something so personal with the new CEO, but honestly I am beyond the point of caring how I might be judged. I work in a company dominated by male management. I have no ambitions of becoming a partner one day... not because I'm lazy but because I want to devote most of my time and energy towards family. When the day hopefully comes that we are matched with a little one, I'll likely keep working but that's not where my focus will be.

Regardless of what might come to pass (most likely, nothing), it was a good exercise. If you readers are so inclined, I would love to read any memoirs that you might like to share.

Eeep!

2008-11-26T08:39:00.002-05:00

I have been SUCH a bad blogger lately... argh... I apologize to you all!! I hope to have some time over Thanksgiving to catch up on what's been happening with everyone. Work has been busier than usual pre-holidays, and we have also been scheduled for a home study on December 5th.

Hence --> Eeep!

I spoke to the social worker briefly on the phone. It's amazing and a bit scary to think about how important this relationship will be. We won't be spending much time with her in the grand scheme of things but she will be a huge part of (hopefully) expanding our family. I warned her about our two small, enthusiastically loving little dogs, and it seems that she is a dog person. Perhaps that will be a good ice breaker.

I'm feeling ok about this right now but each day that passes ramps up my nervousness. I would LOVE to hear about some of the small things people did prior to their home studies. Flash cards with answers to your questionnaires? Baking cookies? Moving all cleaning products to higher shelves? Any kind of child-proofing? Lots of booze? (kidding on the last one... that would be for after the SW leaves... haha)

The timing is pretty good with Thanksgiving falling the week prior. We don't have to go out of town so I have some extra time to clean. The future baby's room is a storage area right now, so that will be one of my first targets.

We didn't make it to the adoption conference in NYC but we've signed up for an open adoption seminar that is closer to us on December 7. It is through the Op.en Arms Adoption Net.work. Here is a link to a pdf file which lists their meetings. You don't have to be working with this agency to go to the workshops or seminars. Oddly, the one we are going to is not listed on the pdf but I confirmed our attendance with the organizer.

I hope that everyone who is celebrating Thanksgiving tomorrow has a wonderful time!

::gobble gobble::

Adoption Conference -- November 23 in NYC

2008-11-17T09:28:00.002-05:00

This looks to be a very informative conference, especially for those considering adoption or pursuing adoption. If you're close to New York City, it might be worth a trip. I'm hoping that we will be able to attend.

Brochure link here

Workshop link here

As for the latest Bond movie, I preferred DC's previous outing over this one.... but it was a good movie and was worth the price of admission.

The Next Mini-Milestone

2008-11-14T15:52:00.002-05:00

I will be leaving work shortly to stop by UPS with our homestudy paperwork. Yippee!!! We're still waiting on one government clearance and D's medical reference but otherwise we have everything ready. It'll feel so good to send this away. I'll finally be able to stop obsessively checking the document list!

Hopefully it won't take too long to get the home study process underway. While I'm nervous about it, I know it will bring us that much closer to be officially waiting.

We're going to see the new Bond movie tomorrow. Daniel Cr*aig.... yummy! :)

One Week

2008-11-11T09:03:00.003-05:00

Thank you to the men and women who have served or are serving in all branches of the military. We are grateful for what you do, and what your work allows us to do. /salute

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

One week ago, I was holding my breath, hopeful that Barack Obama would win the election. I had seen favorable numbers in polls leading up to November 4 but I didn’t want to assume anything. One week ago, I overhead mutterings from some of my Republican co-workers who questioned whether they should bother voting. Pennsylvania had been listed as a battleground state and both campaigns spent a lot of time here, yet in the end it was easily won by the Democrats. One week ago, I saw the John McCain I remembered when he gave his concession speech… and I was uplifted by the hope in Obama’s speech.

There have been many excellent blog posts about the election results written by Democrats and Republicans. One that really stood out was written by Liana from “Welcome to the Dollhouse”. The part of her post that really hit home for me was her discussion of unity.

Unity is something this country had in the months after September 11, 2001. Unity was something the world had, as they joined the United States during the initial invasion of Afghanistan. At some point during the lifetime of this administration, it was lost. The attitude of “if you’re not with us, you’re against us” was projected not only towards the world but also within the country itself. The definition of a patriot became very closely defined, and “real Americans” were those living in the “heartland” of the country. Social values became socialism, which in turn became akin to communism. The lines of distrust were drawn deeper during the Bush-Kerry election, and over the years people on both sides dug in their trenches and refused to budge. At the same time GWB continued to thumb his nose at world leaders, leaving his last G8 summit with this little gem.

The McCain-Obama election campaign was a long, hard road as well. I saw a marked difference in the two campaign styles in my home state. The Democrats focused on their message of change, and linked McCain to GWB. The Republicans ran a campaign of fear (fear of increased taxes, fear of inexperience, fear of liberals) while providing few answers in return.

To be fair, I have one big fear when the new administration takes over. I hope that the Democrats don’t abuse their power in the House and Senate. There’s too much wrong in the country today to engage in any grandstanding. They need to shut up and get to work.

I am hopeful that Obama will work towards unity, but it will be a difficult road. No matter who won this election, about half of the country was going to be profoundly disappointed (just as we saw in the last two elections). Obama won the vote of 66 million people, but there were 58 million who wanted to see McCain in power. That is a shitload of angry, upset people. They need to feel like they have a voice, and not be made to feel like outsiders. We need to get rid of the “if you’re not with us, you’re against us” mantra and embrace unity. I was pleased that Obama mentioned these voters in his speech, and I see that some steps have already been taken towards inclusion.

Within 24 hours of last week's vote, Obama’s transition team rolled out a new website called change.gov – they called it "your source for the latest news, events and announcements so that you can follow the setting up of the Obama administration.” It was also noted that “the president-elect has said he'll have a five-day online comment period before signing any nonemergency legislation, so Americans can be part of the process.” I think this is a brilliant idea. We’ve become so accustomed to communicating via technology and Obama is making the most of it. This kind of outreach is a positive step towards unity. I hope that both Democrats and Republicans make use of this tool and let their voices be heard.

One week ago, and I still cling to my feeling of hope.

Good Stuff

2008-11-04T10:18:00.003-05:00

Of course the message of the day is -- Get Out and Vote! No matter who you vote for, it's important to exercise your rights. As a permanent resident of the U.S., I won't be able to join in. I'm in voting limbo as I haven't had my residency status long enough to take the citizenship test here, and yet I've been away from Canada too long to vote there! One thing I will miss this evening is Tim Russert's coverage of the election on NBC. He did such a good job with explaining things and making election night more interesting.

We have just about all of our adoption paperwork ready, and the questionnaires are almost complete. My DH has been lagging on some things, and I spoke to him about it last night. He's been pretty swamped at work but there are a few things he should be able to get rolling, like scheduling an appointment with his notoriously busy doctor. I hate to nag but it's necessary sometimes.

I'm going to give myself a small pat on the back for making two positive changes in my life. In trying to save for the adoption, I've cut back on the number of times I go out for lunch at work. I'm trying to pack a lunch four times a week, and I've done well so far. As a side benefit, it gives me much better control over the number of calories I consume at lunch. Along those lines, I joined the women's gym Cur*ves about three weeks ago. It's awesome. The people there are so encouraging, and the members are of all ages and shapes. I'm glad I went with this route instead of a traditional gym. I tried the Y*MCA for a year as well but this was during the peak of my TTC/IF treatments phase and it became too hard to see all those little ones.

I had a great afternoon tea with some girlfriends this weekend. We went to the home of my friend who had a baby girl two months ago (the one whose shower I helped with). It was great to see them, and I told them about our adoption plans. They were very excited and supportive, and asked me lots of good questions about adoption. It was fun to talk about it with them and I think I helped clear up a few misconceptions that they had.

Oh, and I reigned myself in and didn't go crazy buying Phillies gear. I bought a couple of t-shirts, a banner... and a World Series bib... I couldn't resist!

Dare

2008-11-03T13:05:00.005-05:00

My heart is a feather
Fluttering in a breeze
At once lifting
... Then falling
Grasp

My dreams are the wind
A warm Spring breath
I pull my jacket around me
... To keep them close
Promise

My eyes see the journey
Miles across dunes of sand
Challenges to be faced
... Facing this unknown
Desire

My mind is a deep pool
Of knowledge new and old
And it dares me
... To dip my toe in
Fear

I do more
... Than dip my toe in

I dive
... Despite the unknown
Kicking against the darkness
Setting aside my regrets
Not knowing what yet may come
Expecting the ups and downs
Allowing myself to be hopeful
Letting my heart yawn open

I dare
... To fall in love with a dream

YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!

2008-10-29T22:22:00.001-04:00

I am on the cusp of spending a shitload of money on World Series gear, and I'm ok with it! I couldn't buy it early in case it jinxed things.... but the Philadelphia Phillies did it! The city is going crazy. So awesome! I think I need another beer....

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Something Light to Soothe the Nerves

2008-10-27T15:55:00.005-04:00

The whole area is holding its breath, waiting for the game tonight. This is a nice little distraction:

The Rules:
A.) Go to Music Outfitters.
B.) Enter the year you graduated from high school in the search function and get the list of 100 most popular songs of that year.
C.) Bold the songs you like, strike through the ones you REALLY hate. I'll change them to red for the ones I hate and blue for the ones that make me chuckle.... hate is such a strong term after all!

In looking at this, it seems 1992 was a good year for aerobic exercise music :P

Top 100 Songs from 1992

1. End Of The Road, Boyz II Men
2. Baby Got Back, Sir Mix A-lot
3. Jump, Kris Kross
4. Save The Best For Last, Vanessa Williams
5. Baby-Baby-Baby, TLC
6. Tears In Heaven, Eric Clapton
7. My Lovin' (You're Never Gonna Get It), En Vogue
8. Under The Bridge, Red Hot Chili Peppers -- I saw them at Lolapalooza this year
9. All 4 Love, Color Me Badd
10. Just Another Day, Jon Secada
11. I Love Your Smile, Shanice
12. To Be With You, Mr. Big
13. I'm Too Sexy, Right Said Fred
14. Black Or White, Michael Jackson
15. Achy Breaky Heart, Billy Ray Cyrus
16. I'll Be There, Mariah Carey
17. November Rain, Guns N' Roses
18. Life Is A Highway, Tom Cochrane
19. Remember The Time, Michael Jackson
20. Finally, CeCe Peniston

21. This Used To Be My Playground, Madonna
22. Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough, Patty Smyth
23. Can't Let Go, Mariah Carey
24. Jump Around, House Of Pain
25. Diamonds and Pearls, Prince and The N.P.G.
26. Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me, George Michael and Elton John
27. Masterpiece, Atlantic Starr
28. If You Asked Me To, Celine Dion
29. Giving Him Something He Can Feel, En Vogue
30. Live and Learn, Joe Public
31. Come and Talk To Me, Jodeci
32. Smells Like Teen Spirit, Nirvana -- sweet, I remember the video (*gasp*) well
33. Humpin' Around, Bobby Brown
34. Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover, Sophie B. Hawkins
35. Tell Me What You Want Me To Do, Teven Campbell
36. Ain't 2 Proud 2 Beg, TLC
37. It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday, Boyz II Men
38. Move This, Technotronic
39. Bohemian Rhapsody, Queen -- 1992?? really? I call shenanigans on this... must be a Wayne's World remix
40. Tennessee, Arrested Development

41. The Best Things In Life Are Free, Luther Vandross and Janet Jackson
42. Make It Happen, Mariah Carey
43. The One, Elton John
44. Set Adrift On Memory Bliss, P.M. Dawn
45. Stay, Shakespear's Sister
46. 2 Legit 2 Quit, Hammer
47. Please Don't Go, K.W.S.
48. Breakin' My Heart (Pretty Brown Eyes), Mint Condition
49. Wishing On A Star, Cover Girls
50. She's Playing Hard To Get, Hi-Five
51. I'd Die Without You, P.M. Dawn
52. Good For Me, Amy Grant
53. All I Want, Toad The Wet Sprocket
54. When A Man Loves A Woman, Michael Bolton -- I think it's the 'hair'
55. I Can't Dance, Genesis
56. Hazard, Richard Marx
57. Mysterious Ways, U2
58. Too Funky, George Michael
59. How Do You Talk To An Angel, Heights
60. One, U2 -- still one of my favs, should be above #57... definitely top 10-worthy

61. Keep On Walkin', CeCe Peniston
62. Hold On My Heart, Genesis
63. The Way I Feel About You, Karyn White
64. Beauty and The Beast, Celine Dion and Peabo Bryson
65. Warm It Up, Kris Kross
66. In The Closet, Michael Jackson
67. People Everyday, Arrested Development
68. No Son Of Mine, Genesis
69. Wildside, Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch -- mmmm, Marky Mark
70. Do I Have To Say The Words?, Bryan Adams
71. Friday I'm In Love, Cure
72. Everything About You, Ugly Kid Joe
73. Blowing Kisses In The Wind, Paula Abdul
74. Thought I'd Died and Gone To Heaven, Bryan Adams
75. Rhythm Is A Dancer, Snap
76. Addams Groove, Hammer
77. Missing You Now, Michael Bolton -- actually, make it the hair and the voice.... ick
78. Back To The Hotel, N2Deep
79. Everything Changes, Kathy Troccoli
80. Have You Ever Needed Somone So Bad, Def Leppard

81. Take This Heart, Richard Marx
82. When I Look Into Your Eyes, Firehouse
83. I Wanna Love You, Jade
84. Uhh Ahh, Boyz II Men
85. Real Love, Mary J. Blige
86. Justified and Ancient, The KLF
87. Slow Motion, Color Me Badd
88. What About Your Friends, TLC
89. Thinkin' Back, Color Me Badd
90. Would I Lie To You?, Charles and Eddie
91. That's What Love Is For, Amy Grant
92. Keep Coming Back, Richard Marx
93. Free Your Mind, En Vogue
94. Keep It Comin', Keith Sweat
95. Just Take My Heart, Mr. Big
96. I Will Remember You, Amy Grant
97. We Got A Love Thang, CeCe Peniston
98. Let's Get Rocked, Def Leppard
99. They Want EFX, Das EFX
100. I Can't Make You Love Me, Bonnie Raitt -- tear-jerker, I've sung this before

Retrospection

2008-10-25T15:52:00.002-04:00

I've had this blog now for a year and two days. It's amazing to look back and read those early posts, when I was just dipping my toes in the water. A few months later I would go through 2.5 unsuccessful IUIs. I would see some bloggers attain their dreams, follow others along their journey, and provide support to those who needed it.

I feel so fortunate to have found this community. I honestly don't know if I could have made it without your kind words and learning from your experiences. There's no doubt that infertility sucks. If there's something I will take from it, it is that I've become a better person over the last year. I'm learning not to shy away from someone's pain. I'm learning how important it is to be part of a community.

Again from my heart... thank you!

Elephants and Fairytales

2008-10-21T09:54:00.003-04:00

As I’ve been working on filling out my section of the adoption application, I am reminded again that I’m a very lucky person. I can honestly say I have positive answers to all of the questions. My childhood was good and I was well loved. We didn’t have a lot of money, so we didn’t take many vacations and I never went to places like Disney World. But my mom stayed home until I was in grade three or so, and I never went to bed hungry or had important things denied. I achieved good grades in school, and I still have close relationships with my best friend from elementary school and another from high school. I was very fortunate and I’m grateful for those blessings.

D’s upbringing is an entirely different story. He was born into an unfortunate circumstance, which I won’t go into here. He spent some time in foster care (which was, sadly, the best time in his childhood) before being returned to his family. He suffered through physical and emotional abuse, until finally leaving home at age 16. He had average grades in school, and eventually paid his way through and graduated college. During his late teens he had to support himself and his younger brother. He made some good friends who he remains close to today, but his family ties in some cases are strained.

He hasn’t gone through his questionnaire yet, and frankly, I’m sad that he will have to put this part of his life on paper. I’m sad that he will have to answer questions about it and bring up these bad memories. He has told me that he is worried that his past might lead them to reject our application. While I don’t believe that is true, it remains an elephant in the room. How people interpret his past worries me too.

I’ve been scanning through the adoption profiles of other couples, trying to get a sense of how they are put together. There are so many ways that we don’t fit the typical profile. D has pretty much mended his relationship with his father and stepmom (a stroke suffered by his dad a few years ago moved that reconciliation along) but he avoids contact with his mother. We get along well with his younger brother and family but they live on the west coast. We are both close with my parents but they live in another country, and we only see them a few times each year. So we don’t have a ton of family support around us… we don’t have the big fairytale happy family I see listed prominently in many of the profiles. It makes me sad sometimes, and I worry that it will affect our selection.

I can try to reassure myself by saying, “Each birth family is different, and will be looking for something else. They will see what kind of person D is now, despite having a rough start in life. They will choose us regardless of our family history.” Despite that kind of logic, the underlying fear remains.

I understand and respect the need for a thorough adoption questionnaire. I don’t begrudge them for asking us these questions. I think it offers some advantages by bringing up topics that D and I might not have discussed at the onset of a pregnancy. I’ll admit though… sometimes it irks me that people who have biological children don’t have to go under the microscope like this. Sometimes when reading certain news articles, you wish that they had.

Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act

2008-10-15T13:55:00.004-04:00

As inspired by luna and emilythehopeless. I have never experienced pregnancy loss or stillbirth. My mother miscarried once before I was born, and again when I was about three years old. Going to the hospital that day is one of my earliest childhood memories. I didn't know why we were there but I just remembered the overwhelming sadness. I light a candle for everyone who has experienced such a loss... and for the siblings I never knew.

~~~

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.

Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.

On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let’s help pass H.R. 5979.

Action Steps:

Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.

GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word

Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others-E-mail 5 bloggers and ask them (nicely and in an unspammy way) to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community.

GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.

Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act. For maximum impact, title your post: “Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act.”

GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results on October 15th when that term is searched for. Currently, Google only returns 20,400 pages - most of which have nothing to do with the bill.

The Tree in My Mailbox

2008-10-11T15:16:00.002-04:00

It's been a bit of a hairy week, what with the tumultuous financial markets. My DH works in the finance industry and he's never seen anything like this. So far I have avoided looking at our 401ks, though I will admit the temptation is there. The global reach of this financial crisis is unprecedented. Did you hear that Iceland went bankrupt yesterday?

This makes me worry about the possibility of job loss for D or I. You just never know.

The home study packet arrived today. It's a bit overwhelming on the first read. It looks like getting doctor's appointments will be the first thing, since that is the most out of our hands. Some of the items on the medical form do NOT look like fun, and I'm saying this after many sessions of poking and prodding during the IF treatments. But of course we'll manage :)

Application Away!

2008-10-05T10:36:00.001-04:00

I just had to mark this milestone. We completed the application today and it's ready to be sent. This is certainly the easiest of the paperwork we'll be asked to complete. Our agency should send us the home study packet soon... and then the REAL paper chase begins!

Inspired by Ms. J

2008-10-03T10:20:00.002-04:00

Thanks all for your comments and suggestions, they were great. I went with something along the lines of what Ms. J suggested and sent:

Hi Sally,

They are very cute, congrats again!

D and I are still living in Philly, and weathering the economic storm so far. No kids for us yet but we're working on it. In the mean time, we're savouring being able to sleep and dining at the good restaurants :)

~~~

Note the smiley for the extra sweetness -- lol!

Not Sure How to Respond to This

2008-10-01T16:20:00.002-04:00

I'm planning to have a sit-down tonight with D to go over the adoption stuff, and to get our application underway. I'm going to give him the "Are we on the same page?" check. D is very trusting when it comes to me looking into things, but I really want to make sure he's comfortable with everything before we proceed. It's a team effort, after all.

So.... a good friend of mine just gave birth to her second daughter. She's adorable and I'm very happy for them. The day prior, a friend of hers (let's call her Sally) also gave birth to a daughter. I know Sally through my friend, and I've seen her at various weddings, showers, etc. She's an acquaintance but she's not one of my girls, if you know what I mean.

So.... I sent Sally an email congratulating her on the birth of her daughter.

So.... I recently received this in response:

"Baby A is a delight. Here is a picture of her about 5 hours after she was born (and only 7 hours before H was born!) with her big sister.

Where are you these days? It's weird to see B and C without you....please send pictures of your children too!"

So.... so..... so..... It's good to know that my close friends have kept my infertility a private thing, which is what I'd asked them to do. I'm struggling with how to answer this. I should probably go with my default work function/party/gathering response of "Nope, no kids yet!" I could send pictures of my dogs. I could find a picture of a baby on Goo.gle images. I could just not reply. Why does this kind of thing still hurt? I would've thought I'd have a thicker skin by now.

Researching an Adoption Agency

2008-09-24T13:47:00.004-04:00

Ah research! I just love doing research, and that is coming in handy when looking into adoption agencies. Perhaps I was a detective in a prior life?

I'm fairly certain we've found an agency to work with. For those of you just beginning this process, here are a few helpful websites I found for researching adoption agencies:

Adoption.com forums -- Prospective parents are encouraged to ask questions about agencies and have them answered via PMs.

Adoption Plan forums -- Other forums including potential waiting or available children.

Adoption Agency Ratings -- I took this one with a grain of salt, as there seem to be some personal attacks.

Adoptive Families -- Search for agencies. Some listings include informations about programs, number of children placed, etc.

Guidestar -- Information on nonprofits.

Hope

2008-09-22T10:16:00.003-04:00

I've been mentioning adoption to my mom for a while now. To be honest, as soon as I learned of our infertility, it was something I considered. It was always another road to parenthood, and not a secondary or lesser choice.

Last night I told my mom that we were looking into agencies and doing our research. She said "ok" but then said that we should still have "hope" that we might conceive naturally. That we shouldn't "give up".

I've mentioned before that I'm a nice girl and have always had a tough time standing up to people. I've become better at it as I've gotten older, but sometimes my 35-year-old self reverts back to being a little kid when speaking to my parents. I couldn't quite convey the idea that for us, adoption IS hope. For the first time in years, I feel there is hope for building our family -- like we finally have a measure of control.

My mom is a bit older (64) and I imagine she has a pretty set idea of what adoption is like. I want her to be comfortable with it. If she's uneasy about adoption itself, the thought of open adoption will probably be very difficult.

I'm thinking about perhaps sending her some books about adoption. I thought about 'Adoption for Dummies', which I'm reading now. Yet I don't want to introduce her to adoption with a 'Dummies' book. I'd love to hear about how others have helped their families open up to adoption, and if there are any resources (books, websites) that you could recommend. Thanks as always!!

I Think I Might be onto Something...

2008-09-18T16:23:00.002-04:00

I have stumbled across the greatest secret since Ke.ntucky Fr.ied Chicken’s eleven herbs & spices recipe. No lie! I think I might have found a guaranteed way to get pregnant. It’ll only take a slight career change, and perhaps a relocation.

Become a weather person on a Philadelphia-area television station.

That’s it! Put all the drugs, doctors, cold surgical instruments, stirrups, dildocams and painful procedures behind you. I’ve counted three knocked up weather ladies within the past year. Perhaps there is something in the Schuylkill River’s water? Who knows ;)

I am in the midst of domestic adoption research – thanks again for your tips and well wishes! It’s very exciting to finally be on this path but there are so many trails that one can follow, and one always seems to lead to three others. It makes my head spin. Research is something I gravitate towards quite naturally, so I’m taking the lead on it right now. I’m keeping D up to date on anything interesting.

One big thing I’m trying to wrap my head around is whether agency or private adoption would be best for us. I’ve read that some future birthmothers are leery of agencies and feel that they might be coerced into making a decision. There’s also the possibility of the baby being placed in a foster home temporarily until the parental rights are sorted out. On the other hand, attorney adoption would likely require a lot of advertising and such on our part. I want the expectant mother to get the support she needs, and I wonder if a good agency would be able to provide more personal care than arrangements made through an attorney.

I’d love to hear why some of you decided on agency or attorney adoption, if you don’t mind sharing your stories.

I’ve done quite a bit of agency research as well. There are some adoption forums out there which provide agency feedback, and that has been helpful. I think I might have found a promising agency in PA. I sent an email to their director to answer a few preliminary questions that I have.

Not to get ahead of myself too much, but I have been thinking about THAT room in our house and what to do with it once our adoption process kicks off. Luna, I found this post of yours to be incredibly helpful. I love your idea of starting a collection of children’s books. I have collected a few myself, being a book lover. I’m not sure if I could go ahead with setting up a full nursery but the books are a great idea.

A Quiet Space

2008-09-08T14:10:00.001-04:00

I felt a need to step away from blogging for a little while. It amazes me though, how much I find that I’ve missed it upon my return. It’s not even so much about the release it gives me (which is great) but rather that I really like to hear about how everyone is doing… be it their ups or downs. It’s easy to become polarized when you watch the current election coverage on TV. In the infertility trenches, it doesn’t matter if you’re a liberal or a conservative. We’re here for each other and that is an amazing, wonderful thing.

I have some adoption books en route to our house, and I’ve done some preliminary checking into different agencies. We already have some general ideas as to what we want to do but I still find comfort in researching something first. Thanks very much for the tips left in my last post, they were very helpful.

Now while we both know that adoption is the path we’re going to take to build our family, I still am afflicted with feelings of “what if” during each cycle. I take my resting temperature in the morning, and have a few more sticks for my fertility monitor. It seems these old habits are slow to go away.

There are other things that have been on my mind during the past few weeks. The hardest news was hearing about my mom’s best friend’s daughter. She is a year or two older than I am and has two young children (three and one years old). She was recently diagnosed with leukemia. Um…. wtf?? That seems so unbelievable to me, and really makes my problems seem small. I hope and pray that she will be all right.

Another thing on my mind has been my struggles with my weight. I think I’ve had a bad case of depression-related eating ever since being diagnosed with infertility. I might as well just quantify it here, get it out into the open… I’m looking at approximately a 30 pound weight gain over the past couple of years. My pants are feeling the squeeze. I really need to get a handle on this (and not a love handle!) but I don’t know where to start. I need to find a kind of exercise that I like doing, and I need to find a way for both DH and I to eat better. Classes might be best since I’m not always motivated enough to exercise at home.

I also rediscovered that I really dislike painting. I think a bathroom must be one of the worst rooms to paint, what with all of the taping that needs to be done. Oh, and old wallpaper sucks too.

One good thing is that coffee has returned to my life again. Yum!

So there you have it. I feel like I’m in a bit of a holding pattern. It looks more like October will be a realistic kick-off for getting the adoption process underway.

Big Stuff, Big Plans

2008-08-20T09:47:00.002-04:00

I think D is finally ready to start the adoption process. I am excited, anxious, nervous and.... excited! Our first step will be determining whether to take the agency route or going with an attorney.

One additional complication is that we've discussed moving out of PA sometime in the next few years. D is looking into positions in New York state (probably around Buffalo, NY) in order for us to live closer to my family. This is awesome news as well, and it was his suggestion. As for how this affects the adoption process, I would imagine we would need an agency/attorney who is able to finalize adoptions in both PA and NY (and who would be able to update a home study). I know of at least two agencies that work in multiple states in the Northeast, and I imagine I should be able to find more.

If anyone has any recommendations for good places to begin my research, I would greatly appreciate it! I subscribed to Adoptive Families today as well :)

Resolve Fact Sheet on Coping with Infertility

2008-08-13T13:51:00.002-04:00

This fact sheet has some great tips on what family and friends can do to help. It also discusses the types of loss experienced by an infertile person.

Almost.... almost

2008-08-11T15:24:00.004-04:00

My good friend (the shower organizer) kept me hopping! Perhaps even moreso than I would have liked, but I had offered to help. I spent much of the pre-shower prep time pretending to be a chef from the Food Network, cutting up various veggies, fruit and yes... cheese. Har har! I have a decent eye for design and made lovely patterns with the crackers and such. No baby thoughts during this time whatsoever.

During the shower I helped a bit with the gifts. Clothes for little girls are about the cutest things ever. She even received a few handmade sweaters from her grandmother. The cooing from the crowd was off the charts.

I was helping with the clean-up after just about all the guests had left, and was feeling pretty confident that I'd make it through this shower unscathed. The expectant mom and her husband were still there chatting with the remaining people. For a bit of background, while I've known both the shower organizer and the mom-to-be for several years, I haven't told them about our infertility. We share many things at our teas, yet I just haven't wanted to bring it up. I'm not ashamed or embarassed... it is just such a raw spot for me still. I go to the teas to relax and enjoy myself, and forget about that nonsense for a little while.

So as I was saying... they were chatting as I was folding the tablecloths nearby. I overhead my friend saying how she didn't enjoy pregnancy at all, and was tired of being uncomfortable. She couldn't wait for it to be over.

And just like that, the knife twisted inside me. It wasn't her fault, of course. I know many women complain about their pregnancy symptoms and it is their right to do so. Yet I couldn't help but think, "Oh how I would love to feel that uncomfortable!" Infertility has robbed me of the ability to sympathize with this complaint. The other tough part was knowing that she and her husband were on the verge of seeking treatments. They were fortunate in that they didn't have to join The Club. Ah well... overall, I did pretty well.

In other fertility news, check this Scottish study out. Here's the summarized version (note -- I believe this is directed at patients with unexplained fertility and does not include IVF):

Fertility treatments offered to couples trying for a baby are no more effective than attempts to conceive naturally, a study suggests today. Couples who attempt artificial insemination or use a drug designed to aid conception do not have significantly higher chances of a pregnancy than those not receiving treatment, the researchers found. One in seven couples in Britain experiences problems conceiving, with about a quarter of these having unexplained infertility.

Greaaaaat..... so maybe we should have stuck with our 1% chance all along?

Infertile Gal's Guide to Surviving a Baby Shower

2008-08-08T14:07:00.001-04:00

This weekend I’ll be attending my second shower as an infertile gal. I think about how things used to be, before becoming aware of our condition. I was able to “Ooo” and “Ah” with the best of them! I was interested in why the mother-to-be chose a particular stroller, which company made the best infant monitoring systems, and what on earth a Bop.py was for.

Those carefree days are behind me. I’m vaguely dreading this shower mainly because I know so few of the people attending. I have no idea how many other preggos will be there. Yet like a brave little soldier, I want to be there for my friend. She and her husband were on the verge of infertility treatments themselves when their little miracle happened. I’m very happy for them.

I thought I’d share some ideas about how to survive a baby shower as an infertile gal. I’d love to hear your thoughts as well.

1. Consider not attending and sending a gift instead. We all have different coping mechanisms. If you’re truly uncomfortable with the idea of going to the shower, don’t put yourself through it. A good friend will be understanding and supportive.

2. The mother-to-be will most likely have a gift registry at BabiesRUs. The best thing you can do is order the gift online and have it shipped. Some items will only be sold in the store. Ignore them. I didn’t take this particular piece of advice when shopping for the other baby shower, and I regretted it. BRU can be overwhelming for an infertile – not just because of all of the stuff you can buy, but because of the hordes of pregnant women there.

3. Try to arrive a bit early. Most guests like to be ‘fashionably’ late. Arriving early might allow for more time with the mother-to-be, plus it will be easier to leave early.

4. Keep a drink in hand. This will give you something to do when the inevitable baby talk comes up. You won’t be able to relate to many of the subjects being discussed.

5. Offer to do some ‘busy work’, such as pre-shower setup or being the one to hand her the gifts. This will help keep your mind off things. The downside is having a front row seat and seeing all of the cute baby clothes and other items up close.

6. As hard as it is, try to prepare yourself for the tough questions, like “Do you have any children?” You’re most likely to hear them during the pre-gift mingling period. Have some responses in mind before you get to the shower. Be as open or secretive as you like. In the end, it’s none of their damn business.

7. Give yourself an exit strategy, and feel free to stretch the truth. You could say that you need to leave by a certain time because you’re going out for dinner with your husband. People don’t need to know that going out for dinner means picking up some takeout Chinese on the drive home.

Potential Treatment for Older Women

2008-08-04T10:31:00.003-04:00

This morning I heard that the CBS Ea.rly Show was going to have a segment on fertility issues. I've been checking their website for a link to the story, and I just found it here:

http://www.cbsnews.com/sections/i_video/main500251.shtml?id=4318538n

The drug being used is called DH.EA. It is a type of steroid, and some doctors caution about potential side effects much like a steroid-using athelete would get (deeper voice, facial hair). In the studies, the drug has been shown to increase egg production and spontaneous pregnancies. It has been particularly helpful for older women who experience a decline in egg production. This drug seems to be used in conjunction with IVF, from what I can see. I hope that this turns out to be a beneficial drug.

I've been trying a new treatment myself. I picked up some vitex (also known as chaste.berry) last week and have been taking that along with B6. I'm curious to see if this will affect my lute.al phase. Apparently vitex has been known to normalize a woman's cycle. I'll let you know if anything happens, though it might take a few more cycles before I see a change. ::fingers crossed::

Pins and Needles

2008-08-01T10:15:00.002-04:00

Check out this post from Calliope, the first recipient of the UTERUS project. Absolutely incredible!

Times like these

2008-07-29T10:28:00.003-04:00

It's been a busy few weeks, and I haven't had as much time for blogging as I would've liked. It seems the days have really been flying by.

My quick trip to Canada was good and uneventful. My grandmother continues to hang in there. She's very sensitive to humidity so she's had a couple of rough days. It's hard to see her suffering through this. My grandfather is doing well right now so that is a relief. I have a feeling though that when one of them passes, the other won't be far behind. They are so interdependent.

It was good to see family members that I hadn't seen in a while. I also had a chance to spend some quality time with mom and dad. We even made it out to see "Ma.ma Mia" at the movies. ABBA remains my dad's favourite group to this day and so it was a natural choice to go see it. I thought it was entertaining -- not one of the best movies I've seen but it made me laugh. Pierce Bros.nan didn't have the greatest singing voice but Meryl Str.eep held her own. It's also great to see roles for mature leading ladies.

This past weekend, D and I went to Pittsburgh. We toured around the city a bit, and I even had one of those crazy local sandwiches. It's served on italian bread and has tomatoes, coleslaw (not the wet kind), french fries and whatever meat you order. It was tough to eat since the sandwich itself was huge! It was tasty in a weird way but I think it's one of those things where now that I've tried it, I'm good.

Our main purpose for visiting Pittsburgh was to see a Foo Fight.ers concert. It was one of the best concerts I've ever seen. Those guys have so much energy! They even played an acoustic set, which was awesome. I'm pretty sure I have a crush on the drummer, Taylor. He's like a young, scruffy Thor. That dude kicks ass on the drums. Grohl is great too, of course, but there's something about that Taylor.

When we got back, we had to play some Rock Ba.nd to unleash our inner rock gods. Rawr! Between that and the concert, I'm seriously considering taking drum lessons.

My vampire eye is just about gone. D is a big fan of the 'Resident Evil' and '28 Days Later' movies, so I think he's somewhat disappointed ;)

Nothing new on the TTC front. I'm still totally unsure what our next steps will be.

Ewwwww

2008-07-17T10:37:00.003-04:00

So I'm sitting here at my client's office, and she suddenly gives me a strange look. "What happened to your eye?" she ponders. I hadn't noticed anything this morning but then again I was in a bit of a rush to leave. She says it looks like a blood vessel burst in my eye. I suggested it might be stress-related and that I would go to the restroom to check it out. How bad could it be? And so I went.... ewwww!

After consulting with my friend Webmd, it looks like I have a Sub.conjunctival Hemorrhage. It says that I won't need to see a doctor about it unless it begins to hurt, or if it doesn't go away after 2 (*gasp*) weeks. The article suggests that it will change colours, much like a bruise, as it heals. Great. Awesome. In the mean time, I'm trying to squint. Fortunately most of it is in the upper left quadrant of one of my eyes.

I'll be starting my drive to Canada after work today. I'll be staying overnight at a hotel not too far from the border, and will finish the rest of the drive tomorrow morning. Unfortunately DH couldn't take time off, so it will be a quick solo trip.

I had a momentary panic attack when I couldn't find my passport in our mini-safe. After tearing around the house, I finally found it in a courier envelope. I had just had the thing renewed a couple of months ago and had never bothered to take it out of the envelope. ::facepalm::

The main purpose of the mini-trip is to visit my grandmother. She's out of the hospital now but her health isn't improving. She's excited about my visit. It'll be good to spend some time with her and the rest of my family. I miss them terribly sometimes. It's hard to be far from family members when health issues come up.

I bought a bottle of 100 mg vitamin B6. My previous dosage was much lower, and all of the literature I've read says doses up to 200 mg are safe. Here's hoping that this will help with the lut.eal ph.ase issue. I also found myself buying another part of Clear.blue easy test sticks for my monitor. I hadn't planned on it, but evidently there's a stubborn part of me that isn't ready to give up on conceiving a baby yet.

I'll be back to the blogging world in the middle of next week. Take care everyone, and know that those who recently requested prayers are still getting them. ::hugs::

Question for you

2008-07-15T10:59:00.002-04:00

I'm curious as to what kinds of treatments others have had for a lut.eal phase de.fect. I took progesterone "supplements" after my second IUI and they helped. I've also been taking a B-complex vitamin. I would love to hear what others have done, and whether stocking up on more progesterone is my best bet. Thanks!

Day eight here -- spotting and my temperature is dropping, so things don't look good for this cycle.

I hope this family can be helped

2008-07-11T13:54:00.003-04:00

This story just breaks my heart. It makes me realize how small my own troubles are (and thank you all for your kind words, they mean so much to me!).

I hope that the family finds some extra help, particularly now that CNN has drawn attention to the issue.

I think the part that touched me is when the young lady (Allie) said, "It's been great growing up here. ... My parents mean everything to me. We have so much fun together. They treat me as if I was like the same as my sister." Her younger sister is a biological child. I hope she knows that she deserves an equal amount of love.

So.... Now what?

2008-07-09T15:41:00.002-04:00

First I want to apologize for my lack of commenting lately on other people's blogs. I've been trying to stay current with what people are going through.... from new moms to expectant moms, and those preparing to undergo treatments. I've just had a tough time finding words lately. I'm bummed, and have admittedly been hiding under a rock.

Unfortunately the second ultrasound on Saturday morning did not go well. Only one follicle had matured and it was already breaking down. And it wasn't a large follicle (14 mm). It's also the third time that my right ovary hasn't produced any appreciably sized follicles, which makes me wonder if I'm only working with one good side. I was terribly disappointed and on the verge of tears during my drive back home. The doctor said we could go ahead with the IUI the following morning, but I could tell from her tone that she didn't feel our chances were good.

I got home and told everything to D, somehow managing not to cry. We both gave it a lot of thought and talked openly about it, and in the end decided not to do the IUI.

SUCKS!!!

I'm saddened that I had such a lacklustre response to the Clo.mid. The injectibles would be another option, yet I feel that things are coming to a head. Perhaps our decision time will be coming sooner than we think. I am becoming more comfortable with the thought of not having a biological child. I'm feeling more and more like we have a different road to travel.

My old company is having an unofficial reunion of former employees next week. These are some great folks that I haven't seen in quite a while. I *should* go, and yet I dread the "Any kids yet?" questions that would undoubtedly arise. I'm fairly certain that I won't be going. I'm just not in the right frame of mind for it. Not yet, anyway.

Why can't every week be a 4 day workweek?

2008-07-02T13:07:00.002-04:00

I love this 4 day workweek. I've read about companies who have switched to a compressed schedule to save on energy and fuel costs. Brilliant. I would love it if my company did that, or if I could find one that did. The tricky thing is I'm in a service-based industry (accounting), and you have to go by what your client does.

I'll be having my day 14 u/s on Saturday morning, bright and early. We'll see when they schedule the actual IUI. I really really REALLY hope that the third time is a charm!

My doctor mentioned other options for any future cycles, such as injectibles and invitro. We've pretty much decided against invitro (lack of insurance coverage sucks!) but injectibles might be a consideration. We'd have to pay for them out of pocket as well, at $600-700 a pop. That would push the cost of the complete cycle to about $1,300, so we'll need to carefully consider that.

Happy 4th all!

Happy Canada Day

2008-07-01T15:05:00.003-04:00

A shout-out to my friends in the Great White North, and my fellow Canucks dwelling elsewhere. Have a great holiday!!

p.s. Io, I hear ya about the bear. I figured I was safe being in a group of 8 people. I thought it was damn cool, but might have thought differently if (a) I wasn't in a car and (b) I wasn't in a large group!

p.p.s. Ugh, hot flashes! My body feels like a nuclear reactor :P

No Lions and Tigers...

2008-06-30T10:36:00.003-04:00

... but I saw a black bear run (well, more like amble) across the road while in the Poconos this weekend. It wasn't in the middle of the forest either, it was a sideroad in a semi-residential area! One of my friends in the car in front of mine thought it was a large dog at first. We were on our way to a hiking trail, and the sight of the bear reminded us to keep talking as we walked.

It was a fun weekend, with way too much eating and a good amount of drinking. I'm really lucky in that my Clo*mid symptoms haven't been bad yet. A few hot flashes here and there but nothing terrible. We also played several rounds of Munch*kin, which is a very fun card game, particularly in a large group.

My grandmother should be leaving the hospital today. She's anxious to go home. She's so sick of hospital food!

Ups and Downs

2008-06-27T09:47:00.002-04:00

Life right now is a bit of a rollercoaster.

We're doing our third IUI and I'm in the midst of taking Clomid. So far I've been feeling all right, but I remember developing some awful symptoms after taking them for four or five days. I probably feel the most at peace with this cycle, in that I'm not putting too much pressure on it. After IUI #1, I was already planning ahead with regards to a phantom pregnancy. So naive, ugh! This time around I'm trying to be realistic. The IUI itself should happen sometime in early/mid July.

My grandmother's health is failing. She's had a lot of health issues in recent years, but the situation is really becoming dire. She has blockages in her heart, and the doctors say she's too frail for a bypass. She lost 40 pounds in the past week at the hospital, that is insane. The doctors told my mom that they'd be sending her home in a few days, and one day she will have a heart attack. It's like living with a ticking bomb. I find it hard to accept that they can't do anything more but apparently this is it. It's very hard being away from your family when something like this happens... so much of the burden has fallen to my mother, who lives in the same town as my grandparents. If you could keep my grandmother in your thoughts, I'd appreciate it.

My husband D is having back pain again. He has a herniated disc, and had a bad episode with it last fall. I think this time around, I've finally convinced him to see a physical therapist. Why can men be so damn stubborn when it comes to their health?

On the upside of the rollercoaster, I'll be traveling to the Poconos to spend the weekend at a cottage with some friends. This will be sans D, unfortunately, but there wasn't any sense in having both of us miss it. I'm looking forward to a bit of time away.

Here's to Hoping

2008-06-23T09:51:00.005-04:00

Thanks for all of your kind words. I saved some money by not POAS, as my old friend returned over the weekend. Now I just have to get up the nerve to call the RE and make an appointment!

Here's an article from cnn.com about an increase in the number of companies offering adoption benefits to their employees. This is a great thing, especially when you consider how few states mandate insurance coverage for fertility treatments. I sent a copy of the article to the head of my firm's HR department, asking if such a thing had been considered. I hope to get a positive response from her. As the article says, it's great for a company's family-friendly image and there's little cost to the employer.

That's One Tall Horse

2008-06-18T10:28:00.002-04:00

I'm looking to get back in the proverbial saddle and try another round of IUI. The last one was in April, so it hasn't been that terribly long ago. Still, it's tough fighting against the nagging voice inside my head that believes this is futile.

I have considered switching doctors. I can't say that I've received subpar treatment at this clinic. Not at all. They are a well-respected practice, and their doctors have several accolades. I certainly wish they'd taken the symptoms of a lut.eal phase defect more seriously when I first mentioned it long ago. I'm still not even 100% sure that I have one, as I've had no post-ovulation test to confirm it. I'm also wondering if we should try something other than Clomid, since the number of follicles I've produced have been good but not stellar.

My DH has said that he wants to keep trying and then barring that, we'd look into pursuing adoption around October. I'm not sure why he's hung up on that time frame. Part of me is anxious to do the IUI at the next opportunity, so that I can push him to get things rolling sooner. I respect that he needs time to let go of having a biological child (and he's doing that -- he's told me the most important thing is to parent a child). Still, I know how long this process can take and I'm anxious to feel like I'm doing something.

This last cycle has been completely screwing with me. I had a few unusual symptoms during my 2WW, which must have just been a uri.nary tra.ct infection. Day 10 brought some spotting, so it looks like things are winding down. I was seriously tempted to POAS, which I haven't done in a while. My temperatures remain a bit high for this point in my cycle (they're not rising, though), so it looks like the mindgames will continue for another few days.

The Red-Headed Step Child of Hollywood

2008-06-05T09:17:00.005-04:00

Hollywood tends to give infertility the short shrift. Take a look at any magazine in the checkout aisles or go to online websites like TMZ, and you'll see the obsession with celebrity pregnancies and babies. No one wants to talk about it when things don't go according to plan (::cough:: J. Lo ::cough::). On the rare occasions when these topics arise, they are frequently glossed over with humor. We had "Raising Ari.zona" and most recently "B.aby M.ama". I'm sure this is symptomatic of how our society views infertility and pregnancy loss overall. We seem to be expected to deal with it stoically and silently.

There are a few notable exceptions. Emma Thompson has been very open with her struggles with infertility and failed IVF treatments. I also believe that the movie "J.uno" handled adoption in a sensitive way. I know some people thought it was a bit sensational, but I really want to give props to Jennifer Gar.ner for her performance. I thought she was wonderful in how she expressed the pain, grief and uncertainty of infertility... how much she wanted to believe that things would work out, and how much she feared they wouldn't.

I haven't seen the new S.ex in the C.ity movie yet, and after reading this post from LJ I am not sure that I want to. Stop reading now if you don't want to see any spoilers.

All right?

Here it goes then.

Spoiler time.

For those of you unfamiliar with the show, here is a quick summary of what happened to one of the characters. Charlotte was unable to get pregnant for many years. She was about to try IVF with her first husband, and had a miscarriage with her second husband. At the end of the series, they decided to adopt a baby from China.

Before the release of the movie, I found some pictures online that had been taken from the set. One of them showed a heavily pregnant Charlotte chatting with Mr. Big. I assumed that perhaps this was some kind of dream sequence since I knew that Charlotte was infertile.

Um.... no.

By the time of the movie, their adopted daughter is three years old. Charlotte went on vacation and relaxed, and lo and behold -- she got pregnant! Well knock me over with a feather! Didn't she know all along that that was all she had to do? And to throw in the adoption for good measure... that was fucking brilliant. I bet it increased her chances tenfold!

Now I'm not saying that Se.x in the C.ity needs to provide some kind of social commentary. I understand that it's about entertainment. I suppose showing Charlotte and Harry raising their Asian daughter and sharing some of their experiences wasn't entertaining enough. Perhaps a pregnancy sells more movie tickets.

Yet I am angered that the adoption takes a backseat to the subsequent pregnancy... as if it were just another fashionable accessory. Are we supposed to view it as a salve, like something to hold you over until you get pregnant? I suppose adoption isn't enough of a happy ending? After all of that focus on her infertility, they just throw it out the window?

::takes a deep breath::

It would've been nice to see them give a spotlight to adoption, instead of squandering it on a miraculous pregnancy. Suddenly Charlotte is inducted into the club of fertiles, leaving her infertile brothers and sisters hiding in the shadows. Please, Hollywood, let us have our voice. Sometimes the best way to inform the public of a disorder like infertility is through celebrities. We need to break the silence.

EDIT: Mel has a great Blogher post on this topic here.

Running Out of Safe People

2008-05-30T13:58:00.002-04:00

Another friend of mine just announced her pregnancy. She's expecting in September, so that is the second one for that month.

She is a part of a group of friends who meet up for tea a few times each year. Amongst the group of us, one of the ladies has an older stepchild but that’s it in terms of kids. I mentioned a while back (gosh… probably two years now) how my husband and I were trying to get pregnant, but there really has been no baby talk. We would talk about work, relationships, health, politics, the arts and whatever else interested us. It was a time I looked forward to, a kind of safe haven.

Well, I guess that is out the window. Another one of my good tea friends is throwing a baby shower for her, and told the rest of us to save the date. The further along I walk on the IF road, the harder it is to go to events like that. I might try to suck it up, but I won’t make the mistake of going to Babies-r-us again. That store is the ninth level of hell for an infertile woman. Hello online shopping!

Of course I also hate my reaction to all of this. I remember when I could get truly excited for someone’s pregnancy announcement, but now it’s like having cold water thrown in your face. I hate that, I wish I didn’t feel this way.

Another thing that’s bothering me is a rumor I heard about the new “S.ex in the Ci.ty” film, and what happens to one of the main characters. I want to confirm it first because if it’s true, it’ll probably be worthy of its own post.

Uncle Mo

2008-05-28T15:02:00.002-04:00

The phrase "Uncle Mo" is one of my favourite sports sayings. For me it ranks up there with "flea_flicker" and the "Gor.die Ho.we hat trick". Uncle Mo is vernacular for momentum. Right now in the Stanley Cup finals, Detroit has Uncle Mo playing on their side. I think he might have even tripped the Penguin's goalie in the second game. All sports teams want him, particularly when the playoffs come around.

I feel like the IUI treatments are akin to the playoffs of our attempts to have a biological child. We're looking at a three-game series, and we're already down two. One natural cycle has come and gone since IUI #2, and now I'm in the midst of another cycle. Has Uncle Mo left us?

Of course I've managed to think my way out of this. The cycle I just had was completely whacky, with sporadic spotting and then my illness. I've convinced myself that I'd like to see a more normal cycle before trying the last IUI. That might make sense, if my cycles *were* normal. I could be in for a long wait.

On top of my delusions about my cycle, our RE's clinic hasn't given me the warm fuzzies through any of this. Perhaps one should only expect some extra TLC when you're doing one of the more complicated procedures, like IVF. With this clinic, the whole process is very business like. There are phone calls for bloodwork results but nothing outside of that. They haven't followed up when I don't come in for a beta, or when I don't schedule the next IUI. Sometimes it just feels so cold. I don't get the feeling that it's us and them against the world. We're just another couple, just another dollar sign.

As more time slips by, I'm pretty sure that Uncle Mo has been replaced with that most hated of family members... Aunt Flo. And damn, that woman can be a bitch!

Ick

2008-05-21T13:45:00.003-04:00

I'm slowly getting over a nasty combination of fever/cold/sore throat which has been kicking my ass the past few days. I took the last two days off work, which is rare for me. I figured that I didn't want to risk spreading the love amongst my co-workers! The fever seemed to peak yesterday after climbing just over 100. I slept for much of the day yesterday, and I feel quite a bit better today.

I received very positive responses from my mom and aunt after the letter I sent. It seems that both of them had underestimated just how long this was going on. My aunt's sister-in-law went through three failed IVF procedures, so she had a good idea of how difficult this was. It's like they weren't making the connection between trying to become pregnant and being infertile. I'm not sure how to explain it... it's like they viewed me as a normal woman trying to get knocked up. The "I" word didn't seem to register with them, at least not until I spelled it out for them. It's like infertility is something that happens to other people.

D and I went to see the second Nar.nia movie this weekend, "Prin.ce Caspian". I was surprised that I actually preferred the first movie. Peter seemed particularly whiny in this one. Edmund had very little to do. In the end I was... underwhelmed. I've heard mixed reviews for the upcoming "India.na Jones" film. I loved those movies, so I hope it's better than the rumors I've been hearing.

Sometimes the World Really is Sunshine and Roses

2008-05-16T13:37:00.006-04:00

I want to thank Ms. Heathen at Reproductively Challenged for giving me a pink rose. She is too kind. The Pink Rose Awards were started by Kymberli at I'm a Smart One. Here is the background behind her idea:

In this blogosphere we read and feel each other's joys and pains. When people can't hope for themselves, we try to have hope for them, even if we feel that all hope is lost on our own situations. No matter how we express it, what I think we feel but do not often say about hope is this: we hope will have the strength to live through whatever is handed to us, and that come what may, we will be alright. How many times have you wanted to let someone know that they are appreciated and that you find them and their words beautiful? How many times have you wanted to lift someone up and said a silent prayer that she or he would be able to heal? How many times have you felt a fellow blogger's isolation and wanted reach out to let them know they weren't alone? Here's your chance. Give the Pink Rose Award to those who inspire you or need to be inspired, to those who have encouraged you or those who need encouragement. The rules are as follows:

1. On your blog, copy and paste the award, these rules, a link back to the person who selected you, and a link to this post: http://smartone.typepad.com/smartone/2008/05/pink-is-my-favo.html . You will find the story behind the Pink Rose Award and other graphics to choose from there.

2. Select as many award recipients as you would like, link to their blogs (if they have one), and explain why you have chosen them.

3. Let them know that you have selected them for an award by commenting on one of their posts.

4. If you are selected, pass it on by giving the Pink Rose Award to others.

5. If you find that someone you want to nominate has already been selected by someone else, you can still honor them by posting a comment on their award post stating your reasons for wishing to grant them the award.

6. You do not have to wait until someone nominates you to nominate someone else.

There are many many bloggers deserving of this recognition. I'm going to list a handful below.

Of course I'd love to send a rose to Ms. Heathen as well. She and her husband have struggled for a long time with infertility, including a cancelled IVF cycle a few months ago. She's had to deal with cold and indifferent doctors and insensitive accupuncturists. Now she waits with a glimmer of hope, as one of the six eggs from her retrieval was fertilized. Through all of this, she manages to offer support to many in the community, and she's not afraid to express things that I know many of us have been feeling. Thank you so much, Ms. H!

I'd also like to send a rose to Io on Who Shot My Stork? She has had a terrible run of bad things, the latest of which was her dear husband losing his job. He recently had surgery to address some IF issues, and they were planning to do shared risk IVF a few months down the road. Now everything is up in the air. I wish both of them the best -- to have all of this compounded on top of IF must be overwhelming.

Cam from Infertility Diary gets a rose as well. She recently received a negative result after their fifth try at IVF. She and her husband are now thinking about other options. She has gone through so much, and I was heartbroken when their last attempt didn't work. I wish them the best of luck along their journey. I hope that she will continue writing.

Finally, I'd send a rose to Barb from Fertility Challenged in Florida. I love reading her blog, particularly on those days when she has many things to share. She's been struggling lately with the passing of her grandfather, the stress of the economy and her job, the loss of a good friend's support, and on top of all of that, IF issues and concerns. Yet she's always been quick to respond with a supportive comment or two or three. I appreciate her kindness and compassion very much.

Finding an Attorney

2008-05-15T13:25:00.003-04:00

I had to chuckle a bit when I saw this group's acronym. I'm sure many of you have seen that trick in the phonebook, where a business is desperate to have its name at the top of the list. They'll call themselves something like "AAA Able Auto Dealers". Perhaps they're privy to some scientific study, which says people are less likely to hire a company buried deeper in the phonebook?

I learned about this group while flipping through an Adoptive Fam.ilies magazine. It was a link to the Ameri.can Aca.demy of Adoption Attorneys, or AAAA. On their website, they describe themselves as "... a national association of approximately 330 attorneys who practice, or have otherwise distinguished themselves, in the field of adoption law."

The website includes member listings by state. This might be a good resource for someone just about to dip their toes into the adoption process.

Mistakes Women Makes at the Doctor's Office (article)

2008-05-15T10:35:00.005-04:00

I should've read this article a while ago. Fortunately I haven't had an issue with #3 (gender bias) but I know I'm guilty of the other four items on the list. Not trusting my own intuition was probably the biggest mistake I made.

This was one of the hardest lessons of infertility. Trust that you know your body. Know that doctors sometimes make mistakes. I hope I can carry this lesson on to future dealings with medical professionals.

Powerful Music Video About Infertility

2008-05-13T14:21:00.002-04:00

I was just talking to D about this the other day, and wondering whether artists made music videos anymore. Evidentally they do! This video was linked on RESOLVE's main page. After a bit of digging, I found some more background on the singer. I'm not familiar with Kellie Cof.fey but her song just floored me. If you're feeling raw about IF, I wouldn't listen to it right now. It's beautiful, emotional and painful.

Here is the article, and the video is linked at the bottom.

The Letter

2008-05-12T14:26:00.004-04:00

As mentioned in the previous post, this is the letter I sent to my mom and Aunt (if it helps you communicate with your family/friends, feel free to use it!):

Hello there,

I hope you both had a great Mother's Day.

I wanted to talk to you both about my infertility. Now you've known me longer than anyone (obviously!) and you know I tend to be a private person. I've gotten much better over the years but sometimes it's still hard for me to talk about certain things. I figured I'd send this email since I often find it easier to write about something than to talk about it.

I think about infertility frequently each day. It has coloured my life. There are times I don't want to talk about it. Please don't be upset if I'm not reaching out to discuss it. I'm handling this the best way I can, and if I want to talk about it (like now) I will.

D and I have been trying to get pregnant for over two years now, roughly since I passed the CPA exam. We started treatment for infertility about 18 months ago. For the first few months, that was a series of tests, bloodwork, internal x-rays (injecting dye into the uterus and tubes), etc. In February and again in April, we tried IUIs (intra-uterine insemination). We haven't been successful.

After all of the tests, and through looking at charting that I do every day (temperatures, ovulation predictor kits), the doctors believe they know what one of the main problems is. I have a luteal phase defect. What this means is that there is a problem with my uterine lining, which does not allow the egg to implant. After ovulation, the lining is not sticking around long enough. They've tried to treat this by giving me progesterone (a hormone) supplements but that hasn't helped so far.

I wish I could just relax and get pregnant, or go on vacation and have it happen. Unfortunately that won't happen. This is a medical condition, and I can no more wish it away than someone who has a disease.

When we started the fertility treatments, I was hopeful that I might still be able to experience pregnancy. Now, I am not sure that I want to try them again. The drugs that stimulate ovulation are hard on my body. I've thought about IVF (in vitro fertilization) but that would be even more difficult. IVF involves shutting down your reproductive system, and having the doctors control it through drugs. The success rate is between 30 and 40%, so it's not a sure thing. It is also very expensive (thousands of dollars). None of this infertility stuff is covered by insurance.

After we decide whether or not to try one last IUI, D and I will likely look into adoption. We both want to be parents. We might just need to take a different road to get there. I can't accept that it wasn't meant to be. Also as an aside, deciding to adopt doesn't mean there will be a pregnancy. I'm sure there are a few cases where that happened, but the medical condition doesn't change.

Looking back over two years ago, I was very naive about pregnancy. I pretty much thought that anyone could get pregnant. Infertility was something that happened to other people. Well, I was wrong. I've watched friends and co-workers have one or two babies while we wait on the sidelines.

So there it is. I just want to make you both understand that this is a medical condition. I am infertile. We probably won't get pregnant naturally because of it, no matter how many months or years go by. It sucks but that's the way it is.

I'd appreciate some privacy in this matter as well. It's fine to tell some friends, but I don't think strangers need to know about a very personal matter. Thanks.

I'll keep you both updated on what we're doing in the next few months. It's something we will both need time to think through. Your love and support is appreciated, and we both love you as well.

Wanted: Rock to Hide Under

2008-05-12T10:33:00.003-04:00

I thought I would be able to make it through Mother's Day. It was looking good, too. My mom is in Canada, so unfortunately I can't take her out to celebrate it. I sent her and my grandmother big floral arrangements and called them. They were out when I called, so I didn't speak to them until the evening.

That's around the same time that the freight train ran me over.

Now I'm a private person, and I have been for many years. I'm an only child and I believe that leads a person to a certain degree of self-sufficiency. This can be good and bad. The bad for me was tending to keep my emotions inside, where they mainly simmered and occasionally exploded.

I've told a handful of people about our struggles with IF. My three closest girlfriends. A few of D's close friends (one couple who experienced the same, and adopted). A co-worker who is going through the same struggles. My parents. I think that's about it. It's not that I'm ashamed of being infertile but I don't think many people need to know about it.

Perhaps I should have instructed my mom not to tell the world about it. Perhaps I hoped she would know better. I love her very much, and I'm a very even-keeled person. Last night, though, our phone conversation almost caused me to lose it.

It became apparent that she's told many of her friends about our infertility. She regaled me with stories about people who eventually became pregnant. She also told my aunt (her sister) about our problems. That part of the conversation went something like this:

Mom: So I told Aunt about what you're going through, and you know what she said?

Me: (wondering what the assvice will be) No, what?

Mom: (triumphantly, as if reading from a scientific journal) She says you just need to relax. You're probably thinking about it too much. You just need to take it easy and it will happen.

Now I know she means well, but are you fucking kidding me? If I could devise a way that would allow infertiles to relax and thereby become pregnant, I'd be a millionaire.

But it gets better!

As my mind was reeling from that latest "just relax", and she was telling me about another couple that finally got pregnant after 18 years of marriage, and after she said "Don't give up" for the hundredth time, she dropped the bombshell....

"If not, maybe it wasn't meant to happen. Then you can get another dog."

This is why I want a rock to hide under. It was Mother's Day, so I couldn't get mad. I even managed to chuckle uncomfortably at the dog comment. That was hard, though. That conversation was seriously fucked up.

I've decided I'm going to write an email to my mom and aunt, and debunk that whole "Just relax" crap. I'll tell them the details of my IF, such as my lovely luteal phase defect. I'll keep it civilized, of course. If they really want to know what's going on, fine. Here it is, and it's not pretty. Sometimes my mom wishes I would be more open with her (only child holdover again) but conversations like that make it very hard to do that.

Ants in the Pants

2008-04-30T15:37:00.002-04:00

I've been feeling anxious lately. Restless. I'm having a harder time than usual concentrating at work (and since being diagnosed as infertile, that is saying a lot). It feels like part of my brain is leaping ahead, making plans before other avenues have been exhausted.

We're doing a natural cycle this month. Great. I am going into this one with such a bad attitude, it's almost scary. I drank a cappucino today for the first time in months. I've been doing a good job of avoiding caffeine during all of this. At the moment I feel like, what's the point in avoiding it? Nothing is going to happen.

When my next cycle starts, I assume we'll do the same regime as last time. I'll probably ask about injections as well. I've pretty much ruled out IVF.

There's a big part of me that wants this to be over already. I feel a bit like a sham though, when I see people who undergo year after year of treatment. It's not that I don't want a baby as much as they do. I want to be a mother more than anything. It hurts when I think about pregnancy as well, and realize that I might never experience it. Yet I don't think I have many more treatments left in me. I wish I could be stronger, and I wish that finances weren't an issue.

So my fevered mind keeps bouncing from scenario to scenario. I'm thinking about adoption, and whether domestic or international would be the way to go. Domestic would have a greater chance of parenting a newborn, and the wait could be shorter. With international, certain countries have an amazing support group in place for adoptees. It would also be a way to experience another culture on an intimate level.

It's probably not right to discount this cycle. I should stay away from the coffee, and keep popping those prenatal vitamins. There is a rational side of my brain that knows this... it's just a matter of convincing the rest of me to follow that advice.